Seriously. Listen:
As most of you know, I’m an above average dancer for my race. I don’t think my parents were ever worried about me becoming a stripper though because I have always been jusssssssst a little fat. I’m thinking one day, the thick white girl stripper market might take off. And when it does, I would open a club and I would name it “Krackazz.”
Every time I walk out of my office, I see cardboard taped to the floor and have to fight the urge to do a head spin. 1) Because it would be completely unprofessional and 2) Because I have no idea how to do a head spin and would likely die.I think "Is that a euphemism?" is my new favorite "That's what she said." The premise is the same. Making a relatively innocuous saying into something sexual. The awesome difference is that you are assuming those around you know what the word "euphemism" means. Funny AND pretentious. JACKPOT.
True answers to the question "What was that noise?" should my landlord ever came upstairs, concerned:
- I was doing the running man in my kitchen while listening to "I Got The Power" and I was making breakfast and I had just sprayed Pam and I slipped because I had socks on and saved my own life by grabbing the counter but knocked over an empty omlette pan and it crashed to the floor.
- "Ease On Down The Road" was on my iPod so I eased on down through the apartment, back and forth, about 25 times, but I had on headphones and I am not small and gravity is not kind and ballet flats do not make a person Anna Pavlova, so it may have been louder than I had anticipated.
- My best friend just called me to tell me she got engaged but I thought she was calling to talk about the girl singing "Listen" from Dreamgirls on Glee so I was totally caught off guard and began to scream and I apologize because, as she pointed out, I sounded like I was on Space Mountain.
- My roommate came home and was playing music at 5 a.m. and I was fine until Norah Jones came on and I find her mellow, acoustic pop both banal and infuriating so I got up and I slammed a door. (Hi Cass! xoxo)
