I Am the One Hiding Under Your Bed, Teeth Ground Sharp and Eyes Glowing Red

I love Halloween. Love. It would totally be my favorite holiday but Thanksgiving involves stuffing.

Shelley, Me, Danni

Every year, I dress up and give out candy at my parents' house. The Green M&M. SpongeBob Squarepants. Speed Racer. Scooby Doo. A baseball player. Kids FREAK OUT when you answer the door dressed as an awesome character, and not as a middle aged husband/wife that hates his/her life, got married way too young and feels trapped in a suburban hell. They see SO much of that on other streets, I'm sure.

Best reaction I've received by far was the Dad who exclaimed, "OH MY GOD DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS?!?" when I was dressed up as Speed Racer. It wasn't just the exclamation and being peppered with questions as to where I got such an awesome costume, but the look of utter disappointment when his son had NO idea. It was like he failed as a father. He started to explain the show, the characters, but there was no hiding it. That kid was getting a beating when he got home. (Kidding!) (Maybe!)

Costume parties can always be pretty stressful though. Dressing up for kids is easy, but what about my peers? What should I go as? A witch? What is this? 1692?

I'm pretty averse (re: out of shape) to going as "slutty" anything, so that knocks off about 90 percent of female costumes. Since I'm not comfortable going as Slutty Snow White, you know what that leaves? Celebrities.

I was chatting with my friend Chris the other day and we realized that Fall is not only the time of year when the leaves turn, the wind is brisk, and white people voluntarily pick fruit for one day a year. We are all waiting, scanning the headlines and TMZ, for someone famous to do something 1) dumb and 2) visual.

I mean, Hollywood is basically the Holy Grail of timely, hilarious costumes.

Britney's "I Got the Golden Ticket" tshirt. Lindsay Lohan's alcohol monitoring anklet. Amy Winehouse appearing anywhere in public. These are usually the cheapest and best costumes, in my opinion.

We actually started making up fake, awesome scenarios that would, in turn, be great costumes. Imagine (note: these things did not happen)"What's that? Patrick Stewart was caught doing blow in a motel room wearing a Star Trek jacket and 70s pants?? In September??" Or "Moby wore a Matrix trench coat and wrote GO in red lipstick on his forehead for the VMAs?" Or "David Hasselhoff was drunk and shirtless on the floor eating a cheeseburger?" I mean, these crazy, fake scenarios are gold but could NEVER actually happen, right? Someone make this happen in real life.

So what are you being this year? Brett Favre and Jenn Sterger? Christine O'Donnell? A Chilean Miner? A Chilean Minor? Snooki? Gaga? Bieber? Mustard?

We are agents of the free, I've had my fun and now it's time to serve....

As you may know, if you have followed my blog from the beginning or read all my posts because you’re a new friend or a stalker, I have theories. Most notably, celery is nature’s spoon.

I wanted to share another theory with you all. Maybe because it’s Halloween time? Maybe because Jim hates red Mike & Ikes? Maybe because I AM glad you didn’t say banana?

Here it is: You Cannot Rhyme, Nor Go Wrong, With Orange

Think of a fruit candy. Here, I’ll do it for you: Skittles, Starbursts, Runts, Gummi Bears, Those Jelly Things Covered In Sugar, jelly beans and so on. 

You might have a favorite color/flavor that varies based on the candy. But you know what? Orange is always orange, and orange is always good. 

Red? Could be cherry, fruit punch, strawberry, watermelon…..

Green? Could be lime, also could be watermelon (WHAT? I know)…..

Yellow? TOTAL CRAP SHOOT. Could be lemon, could be banana, could be pina colada even if you’re not caught in the rain….

But orange? It’s orange. It tastes like oranges. It’s good. It might not be your favorite and get all the glory (I’m looking at you, flashy pink Starbursts) but orange is always orange, and orange is always good. 

And since I’m dropping knowledge up in this piece….

(Keeping in mind, this is coming from someone who previously held the self-imposed title of “heavyweight champion” but now I live by one simple rule…one rule to rule them all…and my life is forever changed.)

Ready?

A SANDWICH IS NOT A SNACK.

Seriously. If you’re in between meals, you can’t just eat a fluffernutter. That is a meal, not a snack.

Sure, there are plenty of little changes a person can make to get healthier. Switch to skim milk. Choose whole grain bread (now with more seeds!). Not assume a box of macaroni and cheese is one serving even though it all fits quite neatly into a one bowl.  

But if you’re looking for a snack….don’t eat a sandwich. That is a meal, not a snack. Oreos, despite being a sandwich cookie, are a snack. 

And a hot dog is a sandwich. Yeah, I just blew your mind. 

Namaste.

Don't just look. Come and take it. 'Cause what I've got. You know you can't fake it.

I just realized the verse from Rock Me Amadeus by Falco is reminiscent of what it sounds like when you try to have a conversation with someone who is throwing up. Turns out he’s just singing in German.

Seriously. Listen:



As most of you know, I’m an above average dancer for my race. I don’t think my parents were ever worried about me becoming a stripper though because I have always been jusssssssst a little fat. I’m thinking one day, the thick white girl stripper market might take off. And when it does, I would open a club and I would name it “Krackazz.”

Every time I walk out of my office, I see cardboard taped to the floor and have to fight the urge to do a head spin. 1) Because it would be completely unprofessional and 2) Because I have no idea how to do a head spin and would likely die.

I think "Is that a euphemism?" is my new favorite "That's what she said." The premise is the same. Making a relatively innocuous saying into something sexual. The awesome difference is that you are assuming those around you know what the word "euphemism" means. Funny AND pretentious. JACKPOT.

True answers to the question "What was that noise?" should my landlord ever came upstairs, concerned:

• I was doing the running man in my kitchen while listening to "I Got The Power" and I was making breakfast and I had just sprayed Pam and I slipped because I had socks on and saved my own life by grabbing the counter but knocked over an empty omlette pan and it crashed to the floor.
• "Ease On Down The Road" was on my iPod so I eased on down through the apartment, back and forth, about 25 times, but I had on headphones and I am not small and gravity is not kind and ballet flats do not make a person Anna Pavlova, so it may have been louder than I had anticipated.
  
• My best friend just called me to tell me she got engaged but I thought she was calling to talk about the girl singing "Listen" from Dreamgirls on Glee so I was totally caught off guard and began to scream and I apologize because, as she pointed out, I sounded like I was on Space Mountain.
• My roommate came home and was playing music at 5 a.m. and I was fine until Norah Jones came on and I find her mellow, acoustic pop both banal and infuriating so I got up and I slammed a door. (Hi Cass! xoxo)

Now ain't that some shit.

It’s the sport of kings, better than diamond rings, that’s why we’re here to sing...football!

Some of you may be thinking, “Hey Mokaba, is your blog just all you and your friends combining words together now? What is up with that? By the way, you look very pretty today.” To this, I would reply, “Thank you. And no, it just seems like that because the past few posts have been lots of SHUT THE HELL UP.”

What do you do when your friend, who works for an invitation-only shopping site, needs a fashion-related name for the work NFL survivor pool team?

You, Jen, and Chris do this:

The clear winner: Diane Von Furstengoal

Runners up:

We Must Protect This House of Style

Clinton Pret-a-Portis

Sacks and the City

Right Said Fred Taylor

Steve Madden NFL '10

LaCoste Us The Game

Victorious Secret

Illegal Clothesline

MoschinOchoCinco

Sacks 5^th Avenue

Straight Cashmere, Homey

Forever 21-0

First and Trend

Puttin on the fRitz Pollard

Nine West Coast Offense

Karl Lagerfieldgoal

Yves St. Laurendzone

Don SchuLa Perla

Fendi-fense!

Donatella Versacky

Helmet Lang

Christian LaCroixbar

Take An Armanknee

Steve McNairbrush

Van Unnecessary RoughNess

Brian WestBrooks Brothers

Buffalo David Bittonsides Kick

Betsy Johnsides Kick

Original Penguin One For the Gipper

Kenneth Coleline Stand

TJ Maxx Protect Punt Formation

The Limited Too-a-Days

Burlington Coates Factory

Baby Snap

Free Safety-pins

Neutrals Zone

Receiving the Two Snaps Up

Shirts and Pigskins

Rue LaDainian Tomlinson

Jarrard’s Pageboys

SmartbarGain of 5

Pittsburg Heelers

The Cover-alls

First Gowns

Watch out, Cupid stuck me with a sickness, pull your little arrows out and let me live my life

As it turns out, combining two terms into something new and funny is something that my friends, who are hilarious, enjoy doing and have done so for quite some time.

Take my friend, Erica, for example. Also, read her blog, which she updates just as frequently as I update mine.

Back in 2004, she and a coworker started making a list celebrity names mixed with medical ailments and the like.

The list had not been updated since that fateful day UNTIL she was inspired by my 80s bakery post and decided it was time to revisit the list. I feel like we’ve created a modern day set of celebrity-based Garbage Pail Kids and I could not be more proud. Also, the bar for things I am proud of is set very, very low. I woke up today! Hooray!

MUSICIANS

Malady Gaga

Katy Periodontitis

Jason Derulowflowpriapism

Gucci Manic Depressive

Ke$ha - It just sounds like a disease, and frankly, it looks like she might have something

Taylor Swift’s Disease

Brucellosis Springsteen

Diseasy E.

Culture Clubfoot

Croup Doggy Dogg

Biggie Smallpox

ChlamyDionne Warwick

Elton Jaundice

Garthritis Brooks

Robert Plantar's Wart

HalitOtis Redding

Cirrhosis Mixalot

ACTORS

Christina Hendricketts

Tinnitus Fey

Mariska HargiTay-Sachs

Rita Wilson's Disease

Amy BiPohler

Julia Louis-Dried Pus

John Hammertoe

Lupus Gossett Jr.

Lindsay Lohandfootandmouth disease

Rosacea O'Donnell

Paris Hiltonsilitis

Johnny Carcinoma

Scarlet Fever Johansson

Hepatitis B Arthur

GonorRhea Perlman

Sickle Cell AneMia Farrow

Bends Affleck (or Ben Afflicktion)

Molly Ringworm

Sharon Kidney Stone

Russell Crohn's Disease

Charles Bronchitisson (pushing it)

BANDS

Massive Attachycardia

Motley Croup

Kings of Leiomyomas

Paramorphea

Temper Trapidheartbeat

MononucleOasis

2 Live Flu

Anthrax

Bon Jovinile Diabetes

Great Whitehead

Stalked in the forest too close to hide, I'll be upon you by the moonlight side

What happens when you find out a friend of yours not only shares your love of everything 1980s but also your desire to open a bakery in Maine?

The following list of potential 1980s themed bakery names:

(Thank you Jen, Jenna and Chris for your HILARIOUS suggestions and reinforcing I have the funniest friends ever)

I Knead You Tonight

Fattyshack

Top Bun

Bread Poets Society

Buns ‘N Roses

Back to the Chewture - A write-in suggestion from Colin S. Brilliant!

Total Eclipse of the Tart

Biscotti Kid Part Chew

Toastbusters

Whip It

PYT - Pretty Yum Things

I Want To Know What Loaf Is

Dexy’s Midnight Muffins

Fondant Goes to Hollywood

Love is a Butterfield

Take My Bread Away

She Blinded Me With Dessert

Love Bites

Take It On The Bun

Hewey Lewis and the Brews

Still Haven’t Found What I’m Cooking For

Another One Bites the Crust

Hungry Like the Wolf

Pour Some Sugar On Me

She Blinded Me With Croissants

Might Morphin Flour Rangers

Indiana Scones and the Truffle of Doom

This is Ginger Snap

Ferris Cruller’s Day Off

Bake Me Up Before You Go-Go

I Love Wok and Rolls

Hit Me With Your Best Pot

We Got the Beat (ers)

We’re Not Gonna Bake It

We’re Not Gonna Cake It

Flock of Struedels
Big Truffle in Little China

LadyFingers In Red

Sweet Child Of Mine

Pie Hard

Electric Creams

License to Fill

Baking Mr. Right

The Naked Bun

Red Velvet

Whisk-y Business

Valley Twirl

Young Buns

Girls Just Want to Have Flan

You Cook Me All Night Long

Half Baked

Sweet Dreams Are Made of This

Fat Times at Ridgemont Pie

Teenage Mutant Ninja http://www.chocolate-candy-mall.com/images/chocolate-turtles-44610.jpg
Bakers of the Lost Ark

You’ve Got the Right Fluff

Field of Creams

Blade Bunner

I Want Candy

Candy Girl

It Must Have Been Lard…But It’s Over Now.