Next time I'm gonna follow through, and if it drives me crazy, I will know better why.....

Do any of you guys have those friends who, no matter how long it has been since you last connected with them, it seems like you never miss a beat? I'll assume you feel the same way about my blog and thus, are not angry at me for not writing much as of late. And by much, I mean, "anything." Except for Pat Who Thanks God Each Day For Yoga Pants. He yells at me every morning on IM.


What's new with you guys? Anything?

This is pretty close.

I started this post while sitting on a train, on my way home from a day trip to NYC for work. There are very few things in this world more breathtaking than sitting in the TGIFridays at Penn Station. I'm not even kidding. The decor was kitsch. Full of businessfolk in suits. Looking tired, exhausted. Jackets off, ties loosened. 80s music blasting. It was awesome. Greg, Jim and I were discussing how if we walked out of the restaurant and it turned out we were actually in like, Cleveland, or 1985, we would not have been surprised. It was a surreal experience. Also, the bartender had a bar code tattoo on the back of his neck. I hope he was just raging against the machine, and not actually coded for inventory or something. They haven't started doing that yet, right?


I don't like when people say, "There are no words to describe..." Of course there are. That's what words do. What is it, exactly, that you can't describe? See, there. You just did it. Done. Next question.


Do you think people who snore on planes and trains know they are the people that snore on planes and trains? Are they like, "Oh no, I hope this doesn't happen again!" or are they like, "Eh, I don't care zzzzzzzzzzzzzz."  I will honestly never reach a point in my life where I won't turn bright red and do the shoulder shake laugh when someone near me snores in public. If they snort, or do the shake-awake, forget it.


It's like the time my sister Shelley missed the kneel-y thing in Church at Easter mass and hit the ground instead. I thought my mom was going to bring us up to the the alter of St. Joseph's and sacrifice us on the spot. When you aren't supposed to laugh, that's when things are the MOST hilarious.


Sometimes, you just need to laugh.


Another awesome thing that happened on the train is that the guy next to me said, "Mr. Sparkle!" when I opened my laptop. I have Mr. Sparkle as my background and no one ever really knows what it is. He, in turn, opened his laptop, and his background was the x-ray of Homer's head. We high-fived. I think my encyclopedic knowledge of The Simpsons is a blessing and a curse. A blessing, in that, when you're around people go who also watch The Simpsons, you can endlessly exchange one liners and it never gets old. For you at least, everyone else around you hates you. A curse in that when you say something like, "There's your answer, Fishbulb," people look at you as if you are insane. If I walk into a room and say, "I've got enough gazpacho for everyone!" I expect someone to yell "Go back to Russia!" not go get a bowl and spoon.


Or if I just yelled, "Dental plan!" in a room, if people would respond, "Lisa needs braces." I think I would be friends with those people. I also think it would be much better received than when I yell things like, "Fire!"


That is not a way to make friends. And you don't win friends with salad.

If Ever Words Were Spoken, Painful and Untrue, I Said I Loved But I Lied.....

The holidays are a time for family....

which is why three of my friends and I decided to launch a website about break ups!

http://www.thatswhyidumpedyou.com/

Live it. Love it. Submit. We're also on Facebook and Twitter at @idumpedyou.

Matt, Chris, Tom and I will be eternally grateful. We cannot say the same about your ex.

Phew, for a minute there, I lost myself.

Today I briefly wondered if I posted "Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo" as my blog title if anyone would know the song lyrics were from "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam. I decided no.

Oh hey, Christmas! Who is excited?! Me.

I'm not only excited to be surrounded by the most wonderful family and friends money can buy, I'm actually just excited to say "peace the f*** out" to 2010. I think that might be the first time I've used the "f" word on my blog and it has never been so deserved.

Honestly, there are so many things in life you can control. Your choices. The people you choose to include in your life. Your own reactions to things. And there are so many things that you can't control. And those...those are the worst.There are people that you will lose without ever actually having agreed to let them go. There are things that won't work out, even though you've spent the past 20 years preparing for them.  LOST will have a series finale. These are things you can't control. And they...they are the worst.

There are of course so many things have been gained this year. New friends, like Steve and Hillary. New jobs, like the one I have now. New pounds, like the ones I gained while perfecting the meatloaf and homemade banana bread. There are also a few things I hope to say goodbye to as we embrace 2011 with open-armed, big-boobed hugs.

And because I love lists, and that will never change, here are the top five things I hope Father Time leaves behind:

GTL- Gym, tanning, laundry. Guidos Trippin Likewhoa. Gangrenous Tiny ilLiterates. In any case, I hope I never hear it again. As well as anything associated with it, like the fist pump, Snooki, "The Situation," etc.

Photo poses - Stop giving the peace sign or a thumbs up. Seriously. Are we that awkward that we can't just have our hands down when posing for a photo? Put your hand on your hip, it's more flattering. You're throwing up a peace sign, but I'm fairly certain you can't spell any of the countries that we are currently occupying with troops. Just stop the insanity and put your hands down, you look stupid. Deuces!

Drunk words - Are you plastered? Hammered? Smashed? Shitfaced? Wasted?  Faded like Soul Decision? - To be honest, I'm all of those things right now, but I think it's just better to avoid these words all together.

Old Navy mannequin commercials - Those things are creepy. I'm buying a tshirt that I'm fairly certain is just going to disintegrate after being washed five times, stop creeping me out with your commercials. They are dead and soulless, like me, except they don't smell like they spent an entire Sunday baking peanut butter cookies for the office.

Brett Favre - Just....no. He's the  "Out, out damn'd spot!" of NFL quarterbacks. No matter how hard you try, you can't stop us now....and you can't get him to retire.

Are there any things you hope to stop dead in their tracks in 2010? And by "dead in their tracks" I do actually mean "kill with your bare hands" so choose your responses carefully....

Winter's Silver Overcoat...Blue Sky...Crystalline.....

Everyone has favorites. A favorite song. A favorite movie. A favorite child. Sometimes people will say, "I don't think I really have one," when asked a favorite something. Of course you do! Have an opinion! Jesus! (Jesus is my favorite self-proclaimed savior/seemingly nice guy with some good ideas).

The holidays are a perfect time to figure out your favorites! You're already deciding who is getting a Christmas card, who is getting a present, etc. It's a natural part of the season because you can't give everything to everyone...I've looked into it. Trust me. Let's explore some of our favorites, together:

Favorite holiday movie - Love, Actually. Great movie. Very quotable. I'm a girl. Funny and heartwarming.  Elf is a close second, but if I could only watch one holiday movie each year, it would be Love, Actually. I quote it all the time but I think the only person who actually picks up on it is my friend Kristin. Usually when I say things like, "Just in cases," people look at me like I'm a girl from Portugal hired to help clean Colin Firth's house after I just dove into a pond to save his book because he didn't make any copies.

Favorite holiday song - Life is so hard! This is a tough question, but if I could only listen to one Christmas song each year it would be Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy by David Bowie and Bing Crosby. It's just classic. Plus it's actually two songs, meaning 1) it was a mashup before mashups were cool and 2) I feel like I'm getting more bang for my buck. A two-for-one and everyone loves a bargain around the holidays. Runners up - Last Christmas by Wham! and Christmas Time Is Here from A Charlie Brown Christmas.

Favorite Christmas present received- Another tough question. I'm going with the year I received a  microscope. I know what you're thinking, "But Lisa, you're not...smart," and that's fine. I just never got tired of looking at that slide of a fruit fly. On a related note, I can't believe I had friends as a child. Runner up - Masters of the Universe Slime Pit. The only reason why it came in second is that once you got crumbs or dust or anything into that slime...it was pretty gross.

Favorite stocking stuffer - Scratch tickets. Hands down. Next question.

Favorite holiday tradition -  Going to my Auntie Ellen's every Christmas Eve. It's the best. This year we're introducing board games. In the past, we've done family trivia and had dance parties. Also, when we were younger, we were tasked with carrying around trays of hors d'oeuvres. I remember feeling so privileged to have that opportunity. Now I feel like we were just cheap labor. I think we were paid in stuffed mushrooms.

Least favorite holiday tradition - Taking down the Christmas tree. That's the worst. Wrapping up all the ornaments. Inevitably losing ornament hooks. First, it's sad because it signals the end of the holiday season. Second, it's just boring. The room looks a little "off" for the next few days because you feel like there is just something missing. Like a big, giant hole where a tree used to be. I imagine this is exactly how they felt in Ferngully.

So what about you? What are your favorite holiday things? I'd love to hear about them. Sleigh bells ring....and I AM LISTENING.

You went back to what you knew, so far removed from all that we went through....

New theory! To go along with "Celery is Nature's Spoon" and "You Cannot Rhyme, Nor Go Wrong, With Orange." You know that feeling when you first wake up? The one where you're like, "Man, it's (ungodly hour) already? Sigh." Then you kind of just rub your eyes and look around for a bit, maybe you start to plan out your day or figure out what to wear. The sun is peeking through the windows and you're starting to focus on the ceiling and there is a little dot and you kind of feel like it is moving but you aren't really sure but thenOHMYGOSH is that a spider?!? It's amazing how fast you'll get up. Spiders are nature's alarm clock!

My friends are so funny...
Me: Steve, did you leave a comment on my blog?
Steve: No. Maybe you have a stalker?
Me: Oh, like that guy that is looking in my window?
Steve: No, there's no one else out here.

(I went and checked too, just Steve in his usual spot. And Edward.)

My favorite things to exclaim just because they make no sense and make me laugh:

- "PANIC AT THE DISCO!" (it's kind of like "Everybody act cool!")
- "Wait!" (then whisper under your breath) "...they don't love you like I love you." (Particularly when someone is leaving but will be returning shortly, like to get a cup of coffee or something out of the printer.)
- "New York London Paris Munich!" (This one subs in nicely for the more common "Jesus, Mary and Joseph")

You know what else is my favorite? Animals. Animals are my favorite food.

Don't you hate when you pull up to a destination right as an awesome song comes on the radio and you're bummed to get out of the car? That sucks. Do I sit here and listen to it? Do I just go to my destination and download it off the interweb because it's 2010 and we can all just instantly have what we want? Life is so hard.

You know what is awesome? When you pull up to your destination just as a song is ending, and you shut off the radio just as the last note plays. It's just a happy, satisfactory sense of completion. Like a scene in a movie. So then you pretend you're in a movie scene and you go to get out of your car as if you're being filmed and then you dramatically walk towards your destination, occasionally looking sideways off in the distance, your gait a little wider, your hair blowing back, you take off your sunglasses and look down as you're walking up the stairs in slow motion like there is...oh, just me? Only I do that? Alrighty.

Moving on.  

Life is bent, into a shape, I can hold, a twist of fate...

Am I the only person who still kind of freaks out when seeing a person from Lost on a different show? Like today when I saw Miles working in a lab on Law & Order. So weird! Instead of speaking to the dead, he was identifying if the cat hair on the suspect's pants was the same as that found on the victim! I miss that show. I have high hopes for The Walking Dead, although to be completely transparent, that show scares the crap out of me and if zombies come around, I am basically a brain on a silver platter. 28 Days Later, I am NOT Legend.

So I have this friend Pat Who Daily Thanks God for Yoga Pants (he makes me call him that) and he is a way more talented writer than I is are. You should read Pat's animated screenplay Sammy Jingles. It's Christmasy and funny and smart and inspired.

Seriously, it is the most awesome thing I've read, ever: http://studios.amazon.com/projects/98

The songs alone deserve many, many awards. I may have helped him out with a line about Pokemon. No big deal.

I've also decided that combining words is my favorite thing ever. Faveingver. Okay that one didn't work.

I move onward, the only direction. Can't be scared to fail, searching for perfection.

It's Thanksgiving. The natural thing for me to do is to talk about Halloween again. No, that's ridiculous. Let's talk about what we're thankful for, shall we?  Walk with me.....

My mom took this picture. She's awesome.

I'm thankful for my family. Like whoa. They are amazing. I can't imagine dreading a family get together. I love them. On a rare, serious note, they don't even need to pick me up when I fall, because they have never let me hit the ground.

Today we did shots at Thanksgiving. Not like "erase the ability to feel because OMG I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE " shots (which is not too far off, let's be honest), like a "hooray for family and Thanksgiving and life and love and family again," shots.  And the food is delicious. (There were FOUR kinds of stuffing this year!) They always tell me they like whatever I brought, and I don't even care if it's true! I'm just happy everyone ate it. We also picked names for the Christmas grab and decided it would be extra funny if we also picked names for new tattoos. "Shaun, you got Lisa. That will look nice on your neck."

I'm thankful for my friends.  Especially Kristin and Chris and Amy and Lisa. And definitely Cassie (even if I have to pick your drunk ass up at 3 am). I would be lost without you.

And my GPS. I would be completely lost without you. I would still be driving around Brooklyn.

I'm thankful for music. I'm thankful for bands like The Sheila Divine (welcome back!) who can make my little wooden heart turn and Amy Winehouse  (please come back!) who speaks to my soul and Metallica (the Black Album and previous albums) (watch your back!) because you make me feel like a natural woman who can take down another girl in a fight. What? It's a fact. That would be 29 years of being nice to people who I should not be nice to coming out all at once!

(I'm not thankful for lyrics that do not rhyme, like "You are chihuahua I`m a rottweiler," Will.I.Am., that does not rhyme, you should take more time, I'll pay you a dime, it would be sublime...)

Sublime sucks by the way. FYI. You just learned something. On a holiday. I have today off.

I'm thankful for my amazing job and my awesome coworkers because I get to be creative and it's okay that I'm a little quirky and weird. It's just kind of who I am and they seem okay with that. And that's tangentially how I met Jeff and Deb and David and Jordan and lots of other people who make life infinitely more funny. 


And I'm thankful for airport scanners and gropers because I know a lot of people who put a lot of effort into trying to get people to touch them and look at them naked. And at least with those airport scanner pictures, you don't have to worry about cutting off your head in the photo like I have to do with all those ones I sext out from my phone. Safe flight!


And I'm thankful for you, if you read this.

Everyone has a story to tell. Whether you're a Care Bear or Shrek, you are who you are. Be thankful for what you have, and considerate of others who care about you, and hopeful for what you want and unafraid to go get it.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. xoxo