Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Life: The Compliment Sandwich

If you’ve ever had a performance review, you know all about the compliment sandwich.

It’s supposed to lessen the blow of criticism. It gives you a high five, punches you in the face and ends with ice cream.

Por ejemplo:

“Jackie, you are extremely creative and bring some great ideas to team meetings. Unfortunately, you are a horrible writer and we’re terminating your employment, effective immediately. Lastly, I like those earrings, green is a good color on you.”

See what I did there?

I’ve decided to add a reoccuring theme to my blog called “Life: The Compliment Sandwich” and discuss something I like, something I hate, and then something I like, again. Hopefully, by using this tried-and-true feedback method, life will eventually improve its overall performance.

Life, I love….

The combination apple corer/slicer. Holy cow. This had made eating an apple an efficient and enjoyable experience. I won’t even consider eating an apple without one. I have one in my office and one at home. I don’t know how I survived without it for so long. All that gnawing and spinning the apple in your hand to approach it from another angle. If you don’t stop biting soon enough, you end up at the seeds. I never really had that problem because about three bites into an apple, I was bored and just stopped. Apple? No thanks, that seems like too much work. I always wished apples came in neat, prepackaged slices like its long time comparative counterpart, the orange. Combination apple corer/slicer makes what seemed like an impossible dream…a reality.

Life, I hate….

Puka shell necklaces on guys. Stop the insanity. It’s like a beacon hanging from your neck , just peeking around the corner of your collar, telling women around you, “Hey ladies, do NOT take me seriously.”

Guys, if you’re approaching a rack of necklaces and other assorted neck wear, recite the following:

If it’s from the sea...just let it be.

Life, I love….

Unexpectedly finding money in a pair of jeans, winter coat, during a purse change or inside of the front pocket of a hooded sweatshirt. The other day I was making a brown purse to black purse transition and found $10 in the small zippered section. Granted, that money was mine to begin with, so it’s not like it’s “new money” and all of a sudden you have $10 you didn’t have before. You always had it, you just didn’t know its exact location. Here I am, going about my day, having NO idea that I’m secretly on a treasure hunt. You would have thought I found the meaning of life. Maybe the meaning of life is money by surprise? If money was no object (which it very much is) I would just hide money in clothes on purpose, to be found at a later date. You know, be the change you wish to see in the world....

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Don't call it a comeback...

And hello.

So I’ve been on a little hiatus. A blogging sabbatical, if you will.

There has just been a lot going on up in this piece. Some good, some bad, some crazy awesome, some horrendously unawesome.

I haven’t really been doing a lot of writing and I’ve clearly failed you. I’ll make you cookies (or buffalo chicken dip), just ask and you shall receive.

I’ve been trying to figure out what to write as my “comeback” post and was inspired by a little touch of heaven. A website we all know, some love, some hate, some use it to stalk, some use it to date….and all I know is, MySpace has been cracking me up lately.

What is it about the online community that makes people turn into creepy lunatics? Honestly.

Talking to people, in real life, is just not that difficult. After about age 20, if you tell me you’re shy and can’t talk to people, I might try to punch you in the face. You’re not shy; you’re just not trying hard enough. If you’re normal, just say normal things. Simple.

The same rules apply when talking to people online. Usually if you’re writing to someone online, it’s completely unsolicited. That being said, mayyybe try a simple introduction. A nice, PG-rated compliment. Some inquiries about one’s day, life or interests? Perfect.

Am I going to write you back? Probably not. I’m not looking to meet anyone. However, even if I was, which I am not, most of these guys would never get a reply because on a scale of 1 to 10, they are scoring an ELEVENTY on the creepy-meter.

What do they say, you ask? Well read on, kind sir or madam. Below please find my top five creepiest messages I’ve been sent recently. What would compel a person to respond kindly to these messages? Why do these guys, ages ranging from 22 through 36 years, lack the grammar, spelling and punctuation skills of a 10-year-old child? Is one of these an actual threat? Am I going to hell for posting these? You bet. Was I going before I posted these? You bet. Behold! (My comments and edits are in bold)

Subject: hello
Body: you are awesome! not 2 many girls are like you at all!! nice, pretty and sweet...well unless you have an evil side that is vicous!!! Niiiiice (what?)

Subject: hello
Body: Hello , I dont know how to beggin my message, but i will try, and i think i have to do it, to say all what i think...
So first, my name is *deleted*, i'm from morocco, i'm 30 yrs old, and i'm running a business of real estate, in marrakech, the city were i was born and where i'm living.
So let me say then, that i have seen ur profile, and i found it so interesting, that's why i'm sending this message, but let me say too, that i find u so beautiful, so sweet, and u sound a very interesting person.
So, that would be a great pleasure for me to talk to u and get know u if there is no prblm? So i will not be longer, i just shall say I wait ur message ... impatiently and i hope that I will get an answer from u, that would be really a great thing for me. take care sweet lady, and have a good time (what?)

Subject: hey
Body: add me as a friend im the funniest mother f**ker you will ever talk to i promise im a stand up comic by trade i will have you laughing your beautiful little a** off everyday no sh*t give me a chance if you dont think im funny you can block me this is my job ill have you rolling on the floor i need the practice and you are adorable (ummmmmmm)

Subject: No Subject
Body: U are very very sexy :) I would love to b on my hands and knee's tonight obeying ur every and any order ! Sorry If I pissed u off. I had to b honest (actual cell phone number) give me a text or call ; - )
(This guy is single. Can you believe it, ladies?!?)

Subject: No Subject
Body: What's up You're kinda cute and seem like a semi-normal person with a fun sense of humor , perhaps you'll consider getting in touch with me. No, not touching me...GEEZ we don't even know each other. Talking..
Check out my profile, I think we'd get along well and make friends not to mention enjoy some stimulating conversation and if you're lucky perhaps we could meet up someday for a cup of tea "wink".

(That last one got included, not for the touching comment, but rather for the wink after the cup of tea. I don’t really know what that means. I don’t really want to know what that means. Boys are scary.)