Monday, January 19, 2009

We're just ordinary people...we don't know which way to go...

My life can be pretty boring. My days are pretty routine. Wakeup, shower, work, lunch, work, home, dinner, television, sleep, repeat.

Occasionally the gym will be thrown in there. Or beer. Or Trivia. Friends. Family. Still pretty routine.

Perfectly ordinary. And that…is….great!

The alternative? Beyond ordinary. Or rather “Beyond Ordinary.” Still not understanding?

How about:

OnDemand => TV Entertainment => Discovery Networks=>TLC => Beyond Ordinary

You know who you’ll find there? The Man Whose Arms Exploded.

Gregg Valentino. 28 inch biceps. It looked like he had tennis balls in his arms. I bet if his arms had a commercial, they could bring back Ellio's kid and have him go "blub blub blub" because that's what I am reminded of by his arms. Blub, blub, blub.

You may also meet his friend, Octopus Man. Or Ukrainian tall drink of water, Leonid Stadnyk. He’s checking out the scene at a towering 8 feet 4 inches. Or “Incredibly Small” Kenadie Jourdin, a two year old who weighs 8 lbs and is 24 inches long.

I don’t even know what they would title my “Beyond Ordinary” documentary.

“The Girl Who Likes Hot Dogs Too Much”
“The Girl That Overquotes the Simpsons”
“The Girl That Can’t Stop Giggling”

Sounds pretty lame. Awesomely lame. Awesomely ordinary. And that's just fine with me.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Now it's out into the open...I call her, ring ring, she's not there...

So apparently there has been a little controversy surrounding my last post. Thinly veiled references are just that, and you may have thought that I was talking about…well…

I think we should use this as an opportunity to learn about ourselves and grow. Walk with me for a moment….

(And we’ll change names to hide actual identities)

I have a friend named Gym.

Gym thought I was talking about him when I mentioned a “grumpy curmudgeon.” For the record, I was not. The person I was talking about doesn’t even know I have a blog. I’m not even sure he knows my last name. Let’s be honest, he may not care that I’m alive but he is connected to my life and a big fat grumpy curmudgeon. Moving on.

Gym. I was not talking about you but you thought I was…does….does that mean that you think that you are, in fact, a grumpy curmudgeon? Have you been called that before? Even though I wasn’t talking about you, maybe you should still try to be happier in 2009? Less curmudgeon-ish?

Another example. If you read my post and said “did she just say I wasn’t funny?” do you know what that means? That means that I think your girlfriend looks like a praying mantis…and so do YOU!

It registered. I mean, the reference was pretty broad. You thought I was talking about you. That means somewhere, in the deep recesses of your soul, you think your girlfriend looks like a praying mantis.

Maybe you should rethink that? Maybe you shouldn’t date that girl? What would she say if she knew I made a reference to an insect and you thought I was talking about her? That’s just cruel. (And since we’re being honest, I would not only say praying mantis, but also Flik from “A Bug’s Life”)

I probably was not talking about you in my blog. But if, even for a moment, you thought I was….maybe you need to do some soul searching.

Live. Love. Grow. That’s what sarcastic blogs are all about.

Welcome to the fray….

Monday, January 12, 2009

Control yourself. Take only what you need from it.

Lots of people take a few months off during the winter. Like bloggers…and baseball players. Now that that is out of the way….

I have a proposition. 2009. “The Year That Everyone Tries to be Nice to One Another.” How about it? Yes? No?

Now I’m not talking overly nice. I’m talking run-of the mill nice.

If someone says hi to you in the hallway at work…say hi back. Smile.

Smile..even if you don’t feel like it.

Say thank you. Say please.


No one wants to deal with your negativenessocity. Do not make your bad day part of my good day.

Am I a nice person? Majority of the time, yes. Do I talk about people? Yes. Do I have bad days? Oh yeah.

For example, here is a list of Facebook status messages I have wanted to post but did not:

Lisa thinks...your girlfriend looks like a praying mantis and you are not funny

Lisa thinks…you are a grumpy curmudgeon and I’m tired of reaching out to you

Lisa thinks…your Halloween costume was unoriginal

Lisa says…just because you’re skinny, doesn’t mean you’re pretty

Lisa peaked in high school

And so on, and so forth.

There are some issues one can run into by being a nice person. My least favorite is a phenomenon I like to call “too cool.” When you notice a common friend, or a shared interest with someone, and attempt quick small talk. The person responds as if you are trying to establish a deep connection and eventually get matching wrist tattoos with both of your names on it and half of a design so when you put your two wrists together, it makes the infinity symbol. Get over yourself. I was just bringing up a “small world” situation because I happened to like this mutual friend or see if I could get additional information about this shared interest. Not you.

Okay, that seemed angry, but it’s not. It’s more eye-roll-inducing than anything. I will still continue to be nice to everyone, even if it is not reciprocated.

I just think that if the three people that read this blog make an extra effort to be nice in 2009, the world will be a better place.

And those that aren’t nice…will continue to be called out in thinly veiled passive aggressive blog posts.