Sunday, December 26, 2010

If Ever Words Were Spoken, Painful and Untrue, I Said I Loved But I Lied.....

The holidays are a time for family....

which is why three of my friends and I decided to launch a website about break ups!

Live it. Love it. Submit. We're also on Facebook and Twitter at @idumpedyou.

Matt, Chris, Tom and I will be eternally grateful. We cannot say the same about your ex.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Phew, for a minute there, I lost myself.

Today I briefly wondered if I posted "Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo" as my blog title if anyone would know the song lyrics were from "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam. I decided no.

Oh hey, Christmas! Who is excited?! Me.

I'm not only excited to be surrounded by the most wonderful family and friends money can buy, I'm actually just excited to say "peace the f*** out" to 2010. I think that might be the first time I've used the "f" word on my blog and it has never been so deserved.

Honestly, there are so many things in life you can control. Your choices. The people you choose to include in your life. Your own reactions to things. And there are so many things that you can't control. And those...those are the worst.There are people that you will lose without ever actually having agreed to let them go. There are things that won't work out, even though you've spent the past 20 years preparing for them.  LOST will have a series finale. These are things you can't control. And they...they are the worst.

There are of course so many things have been gained this year. New friends, like Steve and Hillary. New jobs, like the one I have now. New pounds, like the ones I gained while perfecting the meatloaf and homemade banana bread. There are also a few things I hope to say goodbye to as we embrace 2011 with open-armed, big-boobed hugs.

And because I love lists, and that will never change, here are the top five things I hope Father Time leaves behind:

GTL- Gym, tanning, laundry. Guidos Trippin Likewhoa. Gangrenous Tiny ilLiterates. In any case, I hope I never hear it again. As well as anything associated with it, like the fist pump, Snooki, "The Situation," etc.

Photo poses - Stop giving the peace sign or a thumbs up. Seriously. Are we that awkward that we can't just have our hands down when posing for a photo? Put your hand on your hip, it's more flattering. You're throwing up a peace sign, but I'm fairly certain you can't spell any of the countries that we are currently occupying with troops. Just stop the insanity and put your hands down, you look stupid. Deuces!

Drunk words - Are you plastered? Hammered? Smashed? Shitfaced? Wasted?  Faded like Soul Decision? - To be honest, I'm all of those things right now, but I think it's just better to avoid these words all together.

Old Navy mannequin commercials - Those things are creepy. I'm buying a tshirt that I'm fairly certain is just going to disintegrate after being washed five times, stop creeping me out with your commercials. They are dead and soulless, like me, except they don't smell like they spent an entire Sunday baking peanut butter cookies for the office.

Brett Favre - He's the  "Out, out damn'd spot!" of NFL quarterbacks. No matter how hard you try, you can't stop us now....and you can't get him to retire.

Are there any things you hope to stop dead in their tracks in 2010? And by "dead in their tracks" I do actually mean "kill with your bare hands" so choose your responses carefully....

Monday, December 6, 2010

Winter's Silver Overcoat...Blue Sky...Crystalline.....

Everyone has favorites. A favorite song. A favorite movie. A favorite child. Sometimes people will say, "I don't think I really have one," when asked a favorite something. Of course you do! Have an opinion! Jesus! (Jesus is my favorite self-proclaimed savior/seemingly nice guy with some good ideas).

The holidays are a perfect time to figure out your favorites! You're already deciding who is getting a Christmas card, who is getting a present, etc. It's a natural part of the season because you can't give everything to everyone...I've looked into it. Trust me. Let's explore some of our favorites, together:

Favorite holiday movie - Love, Actually. Great movie. Very quotable. I'm a girl. Funny and heartwarming.  Elf is a close second, but if I could only watch one holiday movie each year, it would be Love, Actually. I quote it all the time but I think the only person who actually picks up on it is my friend Kristin. Usually when I say things like, "Just in cases," people look at me like I'm a girl from Portugal hired to help clean Colin Firth's house after I just dove into a pond to save his book because he didn't make any copies.

Favorite holiday song - Life is so hard! This is a tough question, but if I could only listen to one Christmas song each year it would be Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy by David Bowie and Bing Crosby. It's just classic. Plus it's actually two songs, meaning 1) it was a mashup before mashups were cool and 2) I feel like I'm getting more bang for my buck. A two-for-one and everyone loves a bargain around the holidays. Runners up - Last Christmas by Wham! and Christmas Time Is Here from A Charlie Brown Christmas.

Favorite Christmas present received- Another tough question. I'm going with the year I received a  microscope. I know what you're thinking, "But Lisa, you're," and that's fine. I just never got tired of looking at that slide of a fruit fly. On a related note, I can't believe I had friends as a child. Runner up - Masters of the Universe Slime Pit. The only reason why it came in second is that once you got crumbs or dust or anything into that was pretty gross.

Favorite stocking stuffer - Scratch tickets. Hands down. Next question.

Favorite holiday tradition -  Going to my Auntie Ellen's every Christmas Eve. It's the best. This year we're introducing board games. In the past, we've done family trivia and had dance parties. Also, when we were younger, we were tasked with carrying around trays of hors d'oeuvres. I remember feeling so privileged to have that opportunity. Now I feel like we were just cheap labor. I think we were paid in stuffed mushrooms.

Least favorite holiday tradition - Taking down the Christmas tree. That's the worst. Wrapping up all the ornaments. Inevitably losing ornament hooks. First, it's sad because it signals the end of the holiday season. Second, it's just boring. The room looks a little "off" for the next few days because you feel like there is just something missing. Like a big, giant hole where a tree used to be. I imagine this is exactly how they felt in Ferngully.

So what about you? What are your favorite holiday things? I'd love to hear about them. Sleigh bells ring....and I AM LISTENING.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

You went back to what you knew, so far removed from all that we went through....

New theory! To go along with "Celery is Nature's Spoon" and "You Cannot Rhyme, Nor Go Wrong, With Orange." You know that feeling when you first wake up? The one where you're like, "Man, it's (ungodly hour) already? Sigh." Then you kind of just rub your eyes and look around for a bit, maybe you start to plan out your day or figure out what to wear. The sun is peeking through the windows and you're starting to focus on the ceiling and there is a little dot and you kind of feel like it is moving but you aren't really sure but thenOHMYGOSH is that a spider?!? It's amazing how fast you'll get up. Spiders are nature's alarm clock!

My friends are so funny...
Me: Steve, did you leave a comment on my blog?
Steve: No. Maybe you have a stalker?
Me: Oh, like that guy that is looking in my window?
Steve: No, there's no one else out here.

(I went and checked too, just Steve in his usual spot. And Edward.)

My favorite things to exclaim just because they make no sense and make me laugh:

- "PANIC AT THE DISCO!" (it's kind of like "Everybody act cool!")
- "Wait!" (then whisper under your breath) "...they don't love you like I love you." (Particularly when someone is leaving but will be returning shortly, like to get a cup of coffee or something out of the printer.)
- "New York London Paris Munich!" (This one subs in nicely for the more common "Jesus, Mary and Joseph")

You know what else is my favorite? Animals. Animals are my favorite food.

Don't you hate when you pull up to a destination right as an awesome song comes on the radio and you're bummed to get out of the car? That sucks. Do I sit here and listen to it? Do I just go to my destination and download it off the interweb because it's 2010 and we can all just instantly have what we want? Life is so hard.

You know what is awesome? When you pull up to your destination just as a song is ending, and you shut off the radio just as the last note plays. It's just a happy, satisfactory sense of completion. Like a scene in a movie. So then you pretend you're in a movie scene and you go to get out of your car as if you're being filmed and then you dramatically walk towards your destination, occasionally looking sideways off in the distance, your gait a little wider, your hair blowing back, you take off your sunglasses and look down as you're walking up the stairs in slow motion like there is...oh, just me? Only I do that? Alrighty.

Moving on.