Monday, September 27, 2010

Don't just look. Come and take it. 'Cause what I've got. You know you can't fake it.

I just realized the verse from Rock Me Amadeus by Falco is reminiscent of what it sounds like when you try to have a conversation with someone who is throwing up. Turns out he’s just singing in German.

Seriously. Listen:

As most of you know, I’m an above average dancer for my race. I don’t think my parents were ever worried about me becoming a stripper though because I have always been jusssssssst a little fat. I’m thinking one day, the thick white girl stripper market might take off. And when it does, I would open a club and I would name it “Krackazz.”

Every time I walk out of my office, I see cardboard taped to the floor and have to fight the urge to do a head spin. 1) Because it would be completely unprofessional and 2) Because I have no idea how to do a head spin and would likely die.

I think "Is that a euphemism?" is my new favorite "That's what she said." The premise is the same. Making a relatively innocuous saying into something sexual. The awesome difference is that you are assuming those around you know what the word "euphemism" means. Funny AND pretentious. JACKPOT.

True answers to the question "What was that noise?" should my landlord ever came upstairs, concerned:

  • I was doing the running man in my kitchen while listening to "I Got The Power" and I was making breakfast and I had just sprayed Pam and I slipped because I had socks on and saved my own life by grabbing the counter but knocked over an empty omlette pan and it crashed to the floor.
  • "Ease On Down The Road" was on my iPod so I eased on down through the apartment, back and forth, about 25 times, but I had on headphones and I am not small and gravity is not kind and ballet flats do not make a person Anna Pavlova, so it may have been louder than I had anticipated.
  • My best friend just called me to tell me she got engaged but I thought she was calling to talk about the girl singing "Listen" from Dreamgirls on Glee so I was totally caught off guard and began to scream and I apologize because, as she pointed out, I sounded like I was on Space Mountain.
  • My roommate came home and was playing music at 5 a.m. and I was fine until Norah Jones came on and I find her mellow, acoustic pop both banal and infuriating so I got up and I slammed a door. (Hi Cass! xoxo)
Now ain't that some shit.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

It’s the sport of kings, better than diamond rings, that’s why we’re here to!

Some of you may be thinking, “Hey Mokaba, is your blog just all you and your friends combining words together now? What is up with that? By the way, you look very pretty today.” To this, I would reply, “Thank you. And no, it just seems like that because the past few posts have been lots of SHUT THE HELL UP.”

What do you do when your friend, who works for an invitation-only shopping site, needs a fashion-related name for the work NFL survivor pool team?

You, Jen, and Chris do this:

The clear winner: Diane Von Furstengoal

Runners up:
We Must Protect This House of Style
Clinton Pret-a-Portis
Sacks and the City
Right Said Fred Taylor
Steve Madden NFL '10
LaCoste Us The Game
Victorious Secret
Illegal Clothesline
Sacks 5th Avenue
Straight Cashmere, Homey
Forever 21-0
First and Trend
Puttin on the fRitz Pollard
Nine West Coast Offense
Karl Lagerfieldgoal
Yves St. Laurendzone
Don SchuLa Perla
Donatella Versacky
Helmet Lang
Christian LaCroixbar
Take An Armanknee
Steve McNairbrush
Van Unnecessary RoughNess
Brian WestBrooks Brothers
Buffalo David Bittonsides Kick
Betsy Johnsides Kick
Original Penguin One For the Gipper
Kenneth Coleline Stand
TJ Maxx Protect Punt Formation
The Limited Too-a-Days
Burlington Coates Factory
Baby Snap
Free Safety-pins
Neutrals Zone
Receiving the Two Snaps Up
Shirts and Pigskins
Rue LaDainian Tomlinson
Jarrard’s Pageboys
SmartbarGain of 5
Pittsburg Heelers
The Cover-alls
First Gowns