Monday, June 16, 2008

You can go your own way...

I get that pedestrians have the right of way. Fine. That crosswalk is made for walking, and that's just what you'll do.

You'll walk in front of my car, we'll make eye contact, you'll wave and say "thank you." I will put four fingers up while still holding the top of my steering wheel with my thumb to say "no problem!"

I deal with this daily. The town that I live in has a pretty crowded Main Street with crosswalks about every 25 feet. It's a pretty expected interaction.

My one plea to citizens of ColorMeBlah-ville...maybe stop before walking in a crosswalk? Give the old, "Oh, does this person see me? Are we making eye contact? Is he/she going to slow down? Yes? Ok. Great! I will proceed."

Please, for the love of all that is good and right and just and great, do NOT put on an Invisibility Cloak, crouch down and hide behind a parked car adjacent to the crosswalk and then BOLT out into the crosswalk like Jesse Owens.

You know who you are. I hate you.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Re! Spect! Walk!

Are you talking to me?

Do you ever have those days when you just feel like taking it slow? Looking around, admiring the world. Maybe you'll notice the little things you usually overlook. Wow, those forsythia bushes are in full bloom. I never realized that doorway had an arch to it, what a neat and interesting architectural element. The light reflecting through that prism hanging from the rearview mirror of that Pontiac Grand Am creates a rainbow on the dashboard, what a happy sight to see as you walk to your car...

Well, if you are going to be that person, please DO NOT walk in front of me.

I do not want to walk slow, I want to get where I'm going. I walk at a brisk pace of about 25-30 miles per hour and if you are going to be the jerk in front of me that walks slowly down the frozen food aisle of Market Basket, I'm going to get pretty upset. I can only assume the sub-zero temperature of that aisle is slowing your movement down as your body prepares to protect itself against hypothermia but I want my Lean Cuisine and still have to turn the corner to get milk, yogurt and shredded cheese so get the HELL out of my way.

Sure, being a fast walker has its disadvantages. I think I've almost killed about 11 employees at work because I take corners at Mach 3 and narrowly avoid full-on collisions. Turnover is high at PR agencies anyway, so running someone over and causing a career-ending injury (re: death) while on my way to get a Diet Coke is a risk I'm willing to take.

The way I figure it, there is plenty of time to walk slowly...and that time is when you are old. When you're old, you just can't move that quickly. Your body won't let you. It's like your body is telling you, "Hey, slow down big guy, take a look around...take it all in..appreciate it....because you're dying." (Too much?)

Well not this girl. My little stumps for legs still have a pretty quick turnover so it's life in the fast lane for me. GOOOOOO!

(And while we’re talking about movement, no, I will not share the road with you, Cyclists….get a car. )

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Shhh...I'm sleeping...wait, no I'm not.

So I was shooting the crap with a good friend the other day and he was discussing how some of his best comedy/story/blog ideas come to him in his sleep, but that he always forgets them after he wakes up. The conversation went like this, "I had a dream I wrote the FUNNIEST blog post for you the other day...but I forget what it was about...I think it had to do with Styrofoam."

I encouraged him to keep a notebook by his bed, a la Jerry Seinfeld, but that is way too much work. I mean, turning on the light, sitting up AND writing?

And then we thought of it. Eureka’s castle! A dream recorder! More specifically, a Sony Dream Recorder (much like Mike Birbiglia's Sony Teleporter).

Somewhat "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" but with dreams instead of memories. You wake up and view your dreams on a screen. forwarding..erasing..saving until I delete...a DVR for dreams. The awesomeness of this is astounding. The blackmail potential if it ended up in the wrong hands? Endless.

Someone make this happen.

But a fun Lisa fact is that I don't actually sleep, so this wonderful invention wouldn’t even be of use to me. I have horrible insomnia and a remarkable tolerance for terrible late night/early morning television....BUT I used to sleep..and I used to have dreams...and they were always the same.

1) The power of flight. I could fly. It was great. A much preferred mode of travel. It was flying..but more like swimming through the air. I would start walking to school...only I would run a few steps, jump...and swim/fly, occasionally resting on a tree branch when I needed a break. Even in my dreams, I am out of shape and lazy.

2) Spitting out my teeth. I'm pretty sure this portends some sort of illness (grrrrreat) but I would be sitting reading a book or knitting or doing some other mindless task…and then would start spitting out my teeth like marbles. It was so weird. I used to have that dream all the time..then I got really sick. No, just kidding..that last part didn't happen....*cough*

3) My knees give out. The complete opposite of my awesome flying skill dream is when I try to run, walk or climb stairs, and I can’t stand up, so I kind of crawl..ish. It’s not like a sudden’s just how I walked. This also doesn’t seem like it could have possibly come from a positive place…I’m sure lacking the ability to stand up is not indicative of “a sudden cash windfall” or “overcoming an obstacle at work.”

So tell me your dreams. No, not like aspirations and crap. I just don’t have the desire to play along, sitting here being all “if you put your mind to it..” or “everything happens for a reason…” or “shoot for the moon and if you miss you land among the stars blah blah blah.” I mean like actual dreams. Like that nightmare where you give a class presentation but you aren’t wearing pants…or you’re running through the woods because you’re being chased by a chainsaw wielding madman (scary!)…or you move in with your boyfriend and then move out two months later (Yikes! I’ll take the madman!) So..dream a little dream for me…..