Thursday, February 19, 2009

Investigating the joint for traps, checking my telephone for taps


I feel like that is exactly how my brain works. There are times when I have no idea why I am talking about a certain subject, but when I backtrack into how a certain conversation came about, it is pretty clear that I’m a lunatic (and very easily distracted).

The other day I was laughing about the early seasons of the Cosby Show. So good. Easily some of the funniest material to ever hit the small screen. Rudy’s slumber party? The scene where Dr. Huxtable is bouncing kids on his knee playing “bucking horse” and then Peter (the child that looked like the baby from the show “Dinosaurs”) climbs up there and falls halfway off. Oh man.

Sidenote: Did you know that Keisha Knight-Pulliam is the youngest actress ever to be nominated for an Emmy? She was nominated at age six for best supporting actress. This information is brought to you by the awesome trivia DJ guy from Wednesday...who would have been even more awesome had he not tried to talk me out of believing that Sam Oktoberfest is one of the greatest beers on the market...but I digress…obviously. See?!

Anyway. So the reason I was thinking about the Cosby Show was because I had quoted the episode in which Stevie Wonder had appeared. The recording studio. Jammin on the one. R-R-R-Robert. Television gold.

I got asked, “where did that come from?” and was embarrassed by my answer.

I was scanning headlines and saw a mention of the Jonas Brothers.

When I thought of the Jonas Brothers I thought back to how angry I was that they got to perform with Stevie Wonder at the Grammys. How did that even happen? It’s Stevie Wonder! Every time one of those little Jonas girls yelled, “Come on Stevie!” I wanted to choke them by their kerchiefs. They should not be on the same stage with him, never mind address him casually.

When I thought of Stevie Wonder and how ridiculously awesome he is, I started to think of favorite songs…silly shirts….extremely tight and well kept braids….and that time he appeared on the Cosby Show. Man, I love the Cosby Show.

So that’s how my brain works. Jonas Brothers to Cosby Show. It’s like a Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon-type deal. A game that I am horrible at because I’m just not good at remembering who is in what movie…but man, I love the Cosby Show.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Sometimes in life you feel the fight is over, it seems as though the writing's on the wall

I'm really trying do you say...not be a lazy piece of crap and actually keep up on this blogging thing. In an effort to become a better writer, I'm open to hearing what everyone who reads my blog thinks about it. Any feedback is very much appreciated. I'm always open to criticism, helpful hints or topic suggestions.

Here are some blog reviews I've received recently:

"i have color me blah saved on my favorites at work. i laughed the entire time i read your posts in an office by myself." - Ocifer Kel

"it embiggens my cromulent life" - anonymous

"Dad and I were laughing our asses off" - My Mom

"btw-- I am thoroughly enjoying your recent blog the part about how you would do a study, since college students do studies on stupid shit all the time." - Person with my career in his hands

"I didn't read it" - My boyfriend

"diggin the blog. keep it up.And start doing some serious writing, dammit. You're good at it." - Future award-winning screenplay writer Pat

"FYI: Things not to do when you're on a conference call for work:

1. Read "Color Me BLAH."

2. Laugh so hard that you audibly fart.

3. Pretend like it was static on the phone, get so embarrassed that you hang up and call right back, saying that your phone is going in and out of service."

- Mikey Tonka Truck

Thursday, February 5, 2009

You're so pretty the way you are...and you have no reason to be so slick to me

I get it.

All little girls want to be pretty. Girls love to play dress up. You dream of being a princess. The most beautiful girl in the world. My favorite dress was this sassy yellow number that, as far as I was concerned, was woven in the looms of heaven by God himself. It was my Easter dress but I swear to Christmas I would have worn that dress every day if my Mum would have let me.

But she didn’t let me. Why? Because my mom loves me. I wanted to be a beauty queen; she wanted me to grow into a fully functioning adult.

You know who does not have the same respect for her daughter? Any mom on my new favorite TLC disaster “
Toddlers and Tiaras.” How is this nonsense even legal?

You essential “trick out” your child. It should be called “Pimp my Child” only I’m sure the connotation of the word pimp would cause national outrage. But let’s be honest, I watched a mom put fake teeth into her very young daughter’s smile to make her stand out on stage. You just put “22s” on your little girl.

If I was allowed to judge these pageants, I would most certainly have the following conversation with many, many moms. Let’s pretend for a moment I’m judging “Lil’ Miss Boston Baked Bean.” (I just made that up, but that is an AWESOME name, someone make this happen.)

“Excuse me, Ma’am. Hi. Yes. Okay. Ma’am I’m a little concerned about your daughter, Brandie Wine. Yes, she’s adorable. Hey, but we, over here at the judges table are a little…concerned…about her makeup. Yes. We think you may have applied her makeup using the $300 As Seen On TV Alexis Vogel Makeup kit. You did? Okay. Yes, we know, the smoky eyes do “pop” on stage but you have to understand that makeup kit was developed by the woman who created Pam Anderson’s signature cat eye. Ma’am, yes it’s beautiful, but Pam Anderson is an adult film star. Your daughter is six.”

These are not stage moms. These are monsters.

One rule of “Lil’ Miss Boston Baked Bean” would be that you absolutely cannot wear makeup. The second rule would involve a mandatory dance sequence based on the movie “Little Miss Sunshine.” Olive was a beauty queen with a loving family. Brandie Wine is gonna end up in movies that you need the security code on your remote to pay-to-view.

To each their own I guess, and parents show their love in different ways. I’m just not sure these moms have their daughters’ best interests in mind. Also, don’t let any of those little hussies and their psycho Moms near my nephews….

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

'Cause when my leader sings that's all she wrote..I want the antidote.

Antidote. Anecdote. Seamless.

My dad is a retired teacher. Being the daughter of a teacher you get access to some cool stuff, like free tutoring. Haha, kidding. That never went well. Did I mention my dad taught calculus?

Lisa: Dad, I need help on this problem.
Dad: Okay…well, first, you start by looking at xyz. You know how to do xyz, right?
Lisa: No.


One of my favorite Dad-is-a-teacher memories was attending his school’s graduation. It was interesting. Different from Wakefield. Why? Because the student body didn’t look like…well…milk.

One year, when I was about 14 years old, I went with Dad to graduation. I remember it clearly. I was wearing a blue dress. Graduation was inside of a church, I think the temperature hovered somewhere around “magma.” After the ceremony, I was outside waiting for my dad to finish up talking to absolutely every single student to pass through the halls ever when I noticed a family staring at me. I didn’t know why, so I stared at my feet. Seemed like the right thing to do.

Finally, the Mom just came out and asked. “Are you Nancy Kerrigan?”

At this point, calculus made more sense than this question.

I said no. The family looked dejected. I ruined graduation.

I look NOTHING like Nancy Kerrigan. First of all, I was 14. That means I was extremely awkward.

Second of all, I had at least 45 lbs on Nancy Kerrigan. If Nancy Kerrigan was an Olympic ice cream eater, not figure skater, maybe, but this really wasn’t even close.

Third, I had some serious eyebrows. I looked more like Rudy Galindo than Nancy Kerrigan.

To make matters worse (or better?) I was also approached by a student and asked for my phone number. Still 14 and still awkward, I said no and noticed my dad watching from a distance, amused by the entire exchange.

(This is rivaled as my most awkward “approach by a creepy person” only by the time my Mom and sister were LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY in the middle of Stop & Shop when I was approached by a man named Victor and asked for my phone number. I was about 16. He was at least 40. He was wearing denim overalls.)

Memories are fun.

Do you ever dream of candy-coated raindrops?

Oh, Facebook. How I love you so. You’ve created this phenomenon known as “25 things” and I’m happy to take part. Jon did. I will too.

Of course none of these are mind-blowing revelations. (Unless we're strangers, in which case I ask, what are you doing here?)

And so we begin….

1. If Yankee Candle made a “Sautéed Peppers and Onions” candle I would buy it.

2. The girls in Wilson Phillips have the same coloring as my sisters and me. That makes me the fat one. The same goes for the three fairies in Sleeping Beauty. Why are the brunettes the fat ones? This gave me a complex as a youth. If I were a PhD student, I would investigate this and write a paper on it. Why? Because PhD students investigate and write papers on stupid shit all the time.

3. I pass out when I have blood drawn or watch people have blood drawn or listen to people discuss having blood drawn. It’s called a vasovagal episode. I know when it’s coming because I start yawning. I’m yawning right now.

4. I have one tattoo. “Blood drawing” needles and “happy tattoo drawing” needles do not register the same way in my brain.

5. I would rather buy new clothes than do laundry.

6. I love greeting cards.

7. I am the black sheep of my family. It’s not as bad as it sounds because when you’re the black sheep in a family of wonderfulness, nothing bad can ever happen to you no matter how bad you mess up.

8. I’m an excellent cook.

9. I once lived with a boy for less time than some people go on vacation. It was like a sabbatical. A sabbatical from normal, decent people.

10. I am infuriated (almost irrationally) by small, inconsiderate actions. There is nothing that busts my buttons more than not being treated with basic, common courtesy. More so than when people that are real jerks. Why? Because it’s basic and common for a reason: it’s easy.

11. I think people that wear Bluetooth headsets outside of their cars are DBs. (Mom, text me if you don’t know what that means)

12. During any disagreement or debate, I’m really good at explaining exactly how I feel about something and why I feel that way. I also can provide examples that have lead me to feel the way I do. I can articulate this to you clearly. This does not make me a bitch. If you cannot do the same, this also does not make me a bitch. I will never apologize for this ability ever again. (collective shudder by men across the Northeast.) The above referenced ability does not make me right or wrong in any given debate or argument. It just means you’ll know my side, whether you agree with it or not.

13. I cannot eat string pasta or chicken wings in a restaurant. Ribs, forget about it.

14. I get serious anxiety watching people embarrass themselves on TV, regardless of whether it is “reality” TV or a scripted sitcom. I usually won’t even try to watch, unless forced to by whoever is holding the remote.

15. I have never been able to do a cartwheel.

16. I’m a freakishly energetic insomniac. This is most likely doing irreparable damage to my body and I hope it lands me on the show “House.” I’m sure it will involve me coughing up blood.

17. I wanted to be a marine biologist until someone told me I would never have a job or make any money. I went to business school instead. I question this decision.

18. I hate Billy Joel.

19. I have a big butt. I’m cool with it.

20. I love fishing.

21. I have a giant hematoma on my leg. I hit a hurdle during a track meet my junior year of high school. Its name is “Quadzilla.”

22. I bruise ridiculously easy, to the point that it worries my Mum.

23. I still believe that the reason I’m so in the dark about the paternal side of my family is because I’m actually a member of some royal family and they are just waiting for the right time to come tell me. Still waiting.

24. I put hot sauce on macaroni and cheese.

25. The sound of the door creaking open, as well as the laugh that Vincent Price does at the end of the song, during “Thriller” used to make me cry when I was little.