I get it.All little girls want to be pretty. Girls love to play dress up. You dream of being a princess. The most beautiful girl in the world. My favorite dress was this sassy yellow number that, as far as I was concerned, was woven in the looms of heaven by God himself. It was my Easter dress but I swear to Christmas I would have worn that dress every day if my Mum would have let me.
But she didn’t let me. Why? Because my mom loves me. I wanted to be a beauty queen; she wanted me to grow into a fully functioning adult.
You know who does not have the same respect for her daughter? Any mom on my new favorite TLC disaster “Toddlers and Tiaras.” How is this nonsense even legal?
You essential “trick out” your child. It should be called “Pimp my Child” only I’m sure the connotation of the word pimp would cause national outrage. But let’s be honest, I watched a mom put fake teeth into her very young daughter’s smile to make her stand out on stage. You just put “22s” on your little girl.
If I was allowed to judge these pageants, I would most certainly have the following conversation with many, many moms. Let’s pretend for a moment I’m judging “Lil’ Miss Boston Baked Bean.” (I just made that up, but that is an AWESOME name, someone make this happen.)
“Excuse me, Ma’am. Hi. Yes. Okay. Ma’am I’m a little concerned about your daughter, Brandie Wine. Yes, she’s adorable. Hey, but we, over here at the judges table are a little…concerned…about her makeup. Yes. We think you may have applied her makeup using the $300 As Seen On TV Alexis Vogel Makeup kit. You did? Okay. Yes, we know, the smoky eyes do “pop” on stage but you have to understand that makeup kit was developed by the woman who created Pam Anderson’s signature cat eye. Ma’am, yes it’s beautiful, but Pam Anderson is an adult film star. Your daughter is six.”
These are not stage moms. These are monsters.
One rule of “Lil’ Miss Boston Baked Bean” would be that you absolutely cannot wear makeup. The second rule would involve a mandatory dance sequence based on the movie “Little Miss Sunshine.” Olive was a beauty queen with a loving family. Brandie Wine is gonna end up in movies that you need the security code on your remote to pay-to-view.
To each their own I guess, and parents show their love in different ways. I’m just not sure these moms have their daughters’ best interests in mind. Also, don’t let any of those little hussies and their psycho Moms near my nephews….
1 comment:
What's stranger? The fact that these mom's get their daughters into such weirdness? Or the fact that I made a passing comment about buying a thong for my female dog? Needless to say, my wife was mostly horrified. I say they are equally strange.
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