Thursday, October 28, 2010

Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three I’m feelin so fly like a G6

Granted the pharmacist doesn't know that I've never even smoked a cigarette, thus am unlikely to make the leap to hard core drugs....but I think the process to acquire actual meth may be easier than that to purchase the cold and sinus medication I needed tonight in an attempt to regain the ability breathe through my nose again.

Monday, October 25, 2010

My girl's like candy, a candy treat. She knocks me right up off my feet.

Let's be honest. The other awesome (re: fat) part of Halloween is candy. Some, of course, are better than others. Snickers? Yay! Chunky? No. Peanuts? Huh? Are we on a plane?

My favorite candy is also my mortal enemy. Gummy Bears. Sometimes when I take care of my sister's dog, Bowdoin, she and her husband leave detailed instructions for how to feed him. "One cup of food. Wait 5 minutes. One cup of food. Wait 5 minutes. Water." Apparently he will just eat it all really fast and throw up if you don't force him to pace himself. 

I have the SAME problem with Gummy Bears. Seriously. I will just eat them until I want to throw up. I don't have enough self-control, at age 29, to avoid making myself sick. To be honest, I do the same with Skittles. And Starbursts. And Swedish Fish. What is WRONG with me?

No fear with Raisinets, though. Do not even get me started on Raisinets. I hate raisins to begin with (as noted here and here), and putting chocolate on them, while a nice touch, is not going to make them taste good. My friend Colin once wrote, "When you cover something as vile as raisins in something as delicious as chocolate, it inevitably results in chaos. Am I supposed to be chewing or dissolving? Am I supposed to be eating healthy or pigging out? Fried lard covered in chocolate? I’m sold. Donuts wrapped in bacon, then covered in chocolate? Sign me up! But Raisinets leave the candy connoisseur feeling confused, disappointed, and most importantly, disgusted." And I concur.

Also, is there anything better than that random neighbor that gives out the full-sized candy bars? AWESOME. It's like living next to the Rockefellers for one day a year...except instead of revolutionizing the petroleum industry, you get full-sized Reese's Peanut Butter Cups!

My friend Steve said they give out full-sized candy bars at his house. Now, I'm not about to tell you his address BUT I will share with you this little bit of knowledge:
"Steve's Tips for Tricks and Treats on Halloween"
  • Next year, wear a costume every day except Halloween.
  • Keep authorities honest by sticking razors in the candy.
  • Don't just scare the trick or treaters, hurt them.
  • Tell the princesses they're supposed to look pretty, not ugly.
  • Ask the fathers if "daddy wants some candy, too."
  • Unwrap all the chocolate bars before putting them in the bowl.
  • Give out little bags of bread and those mini-water bottles.
  • Don't give candy to the group's worst costume.
  • Flash 'em.
So.....yeah. Actually, DON'T go to Steve's house.....

Monday, October 18, 2010

I Am the One Hiding Under Your Bed, Teeth Ground Sharp and Eyes Glowing Red

I love Halloween. Love. It would totally be my favorite holiday but Thanksgiving involves stuffing.

Shelley, Me, Danni
Every year, I dress up and give out candy at my parents' house. The Green M&M. SpongeBob Squarepants. Speed Racer. Scooby Doo. A baseball player. Kids FREAK OUT when you answer the door dressed as an awesome character, and not as a middle aged husband/wife that hates his/her life, got married way too young and feels trapped in a suburban hell. They see SO much of that on other streets, I'm sure.

Best reaction I've received by far was the Dad who exclaimed, "OH MY GOD DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS?!?" when I was dressed up as Speed Racer. It wasn't just the exclamation and being peppered with questions as to where I got such an awesome costume, but the look of utter disappointment when his son had NO idea. It was like he failed as a father. He started to explain the show, the characters, but there was no hiding it. That kid was getting a beating when he got home. (Kidding!) (Maybe!)

Costume parties can always be pretty stressful though. Dressing up for kids is easy, but what about my peers? What should I go as? A witch? What is this? 1692?

I'm pretty averse (re: out of shape) to going as "slutty" anything, so that knocks off about 90 percent of female costumes. Since I'm not comfortable going as Slutty Snow White, you know what that leaves? Celebrities.

I was chatting with my friend Chris the other day and we realized that Fall is not only the time of year when the leaves turn, the wind is brisk, and white people voluntarily pick fruit for one day a year. We are all waiting, scanning the headlines and TMZ, for someone famous to do something 1) dumb and 2) visual.

I mean, Hollywood is basically the Holy Grail of timely, hilarious costumes.

Britney's "I Got the Golden Ticket" tshirt. Lindsay Lohan's alcohol monitoring anklet. Amy Winehouse appearing anywhere in public. These are usually the cheapest and best costumes, in my opinion.

We actually started making up fake, awesome scenarios that would, in turn, be great costumes. Imagine (note: these things did not happen)"What's that? Patrick Stewart was caught doing blow in a motel room wearing a Star Trek jacket and 70s pants?? In September??" Or "Moby wore a Matrix trench coat and wrote GO in red lipstick on his forehead for the VMAs?" Or "David Hasselhoff was drunk and shirtless on the floor eating a cheeseburger?" I mean, these crazy, fake scenarios are gold but could NEVER actually happen, right? Someone make this happen in real life.

So what are you being this year? Brett Favre and Jenn Sterger? Christine O'Donnell? A Chilean Miner? A Chilean Minor? Snooki? Gaga? Bieber? Mustard?

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

We are agents of the free, I've had my fun and now it's time to serve....

As you may know, if you have followed my blog from the beginning or read all my posts because you’re a new friend or a stalker, I have theories. Most notably, celery is nature’s spoon.

I wanted to share another theory with you all. Maybe because it’s Halloween time? Maybe because Jim hates red Mike & Ikes? Maybe because I AM glad you didn’t say banana?

Here it is: You Cannot Rhyme, Nor Go Wrong, With Orange

Think of a fruit candy. Here, I’ll do it for you: Skittles, Starbursts, Runts, Gummi Bears, Those Jelly Things Covered In Sugar, jelly beans and so on. 

You might have a favorite color/flavor that varies based on the candy. But you know what? Orange is always orange, and orange is always good. 

Red? Could be cherry, fruit punch, strawberry, watermelon…..

Green? Could be lime, also could be watermelon (WHAT? I know)…..

Yellow? TOTAL CRAP SHOOT. Could be lemon, could be banana, could be pina colada even if you’re not caught in the rain….

But orange? It’s orange. It tastes like oranges. It’s good. It might not be your favorite and get all the glory (I’m looking at you, flashy pink Starbursts) but orange is always orange, and orange is always good. 

And since I’m dropping knowledge up in this piece….

(Keeping in mind, this is coming from someone who previously held the self-imposed title of “heavyweight champion” but now I live by one simple rule…one rule to rule them all…and my life is forever changed.)



Seriously. If you’re in between meals, you can’t just eat a fluffernutter. That is a meal, not a snack.

Sure, there are plenty of little changes a person can make to get healthier. Switch to skim milk. Choose whole grain bread (now with more seeds!). Not assume a box of macaroni and cheese is one serving even though it all fits quite neatly into a one bowl.  

But if you’re looking for a snack….don’t eat a sandwich. That is a meal, not a snack. Oreos, despite being a sandwich cookie, are a snack. 

And a hot dog is a sandwich. Yeah, I just blew your mind.