I Am the One Hiding Under Your Bed, Teeth Ground Sharp and Eyes Glowing Red

I love Halloween. Love. It would totally be my favorite holiday but Thanksgiving involves stuffing.

Shelley, Me, Danni

Every year, I dress up and give out candy at my parents' house. The Green M&M. SpongeBob Squarepants. Speed Racer. Scooby Doo. A baseball player. Kids FREAK OUT when you answer the door dressed as an awesome character, and not as a middle aged husband/wife that hates his/her life, got married way too young and feels trapped in a suburban hell. They see SO much of that on other streets, I'm sure.

Best reaction I've received by far was the Dad who exclaimed, "OH MY GOD DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS?!?" when I was dressed up as Speed Racer. It wasn't just the exclamation and being peppered with questions as to where I got such an awesome costume, but the look of utter disappointment when his son had NO idea. It was like he failed as a father. He started to explain the show, the characters, but there was no hiding it. That kid was getting a beating when he got home. (Kidding!) (Maybe!)

Costume parties can always be pretty stressful though. Dressing up for kids is easy, but what about my peers? What should I go as? A witch? What is this? 1692?

I'm pretty averse (re: out of shape) to going as "slutty" anything, so that knocks off about 90 percent of female costumes. Since I'm not comfortable going as Slutty Snow White, you know what that leaves? Celebrities.

I was chatting with my friend Chris the other day and we realized that Fall is not only the time of year when the leaves turn, the wind is brisk, and white people voluntarily pick fruit for one day a year. We are all waiting, scanning the headlines and TMZ, for someone famous to do something 1) dumb and 2) visual.

I mean, Hollywood is basically the Holy Grail of timely, hilarious costumes.

Britney's "I Got the Golden Ticket" tshirt. Lindsay Lohan's alcohol monitoring anklet. Amy Winehouse appearing anywhere in public. These are usually the cheapest and best costumes, in my opinion.

We actually started making up fake, awesome scenarios that would, in turn, be great costumes. Imagine (note: these things did not happen)"What's that? Patrick Stewart was caught doing blow in a motel room wearing a Star Trek jacket and 70s pants?? In September??" Or "Moby wore a Matrix trench coat and wrote GO in red lipstick on his forehead for the VMAs?" Or "David Hasselhoff was drunk and shirtless on the floor eating a cheeseburger?" I mean, these crazy, fake scenarios are gold but could NEVER actually happen, right? Someone make this happen in real life.

So what are you being this year? Brett Favre and Jenn Sterger? Christine O'Donnell? A Chilean Miner? A Chilean Minor? Snooki? Gaga? Bieber? Mustard?