You're spending all your time collecting and discovering, it's not enough.

I think I find myself drawn to songs that contain counting because it makes me feel like I already know some of the lyrics.

Moving is the best anti-shopping. I’m now going to ask myself, before making any purchases, “Will you want to pack this in a box in a few years? Does the thought of that make you want to kill yourself? Yes? Put it back.”

During the apartment search, the fact that there is a wings place at the end of my street factored into the final decision. Does that make me fat…or just a believer in thorough SWOT analysis?

I realized I was no longer friends with someone on Facebook the other day when I said to myself, “Hey, wonder what he/she is up to, haven’t made fun of his/her updates in a while.” Whoops.

In unrelated news, if you’re a single girl going out on a bunch of dates and you always think it’s “going really well” but the guy always drops off the face of the Earth, there is nothing wrong with him. There is something wrong with you. Your friends won’t tell you that because they are equally as delusional and equally as single with equally as many cats. You may have read about this in “He’s Just Not That Into You” but then you messed it all up by believing that Carrie from Sex in the City and Bridget Jones are real people. There is no need to lead a charge to try to change this type of behavior in men. You are not Joan of Arc and you make him even more scared of other single girls. Don’t email him/text him/call him demanding an answer. Move on, Crazyface.

"It's women like you that keep the rest of us from landing a husband." - Edna Krabappel

(Oh, and it probably WAS something you said.)

(Also, don’t talk about it on Facebook or on a blog.)