Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6...now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

Granted the pharmacist doesn't know that I've never even smoked a cigarette, thus am unlikely to make the leap to hard core drugs....but I think the process to acquire actual meth may be easier than that to purchase the cold and sinus medication I needed tonight in an attempt to regain the ability breathe through my nose again.

My girl's like candy, a candy treat. She knocks me right up off my feet.

Let's be honest. The other awesome (re: fat) part of Halloween is candy. Some, of course, are better than others. Snickers? Yay! Chunky? No. Peanuts? Huh? Are we on a plane?

My favorite candy is also my mortal enemy. Gummy Bears. Sometimes when I take care of my sister's dog, Bowdoin, she and her husband leave detailed instructions for how to feed him. "One cup of food. Wait 5 minutes. One cup of food. Wait 5 minutes. Water." Apparently he will just eat it all really fast and throw up if you don't force him to pace himself. 

I have the SAME problem with Gummy Bears. Seriously. I will just eat them until I want to throw up. I don't have enough self-control, at age 29, to avoid making myself sick. To be honest, I do the same with Skittles. And Starbursts. And Swedish Fish. What is WRONG with me?

No fear with Raisinets, though. Do not even get me started on Raisinets. I hate raisins to begin with (as noted here and here), and putting chocolate on them, while a nice touch, is not going to make them taste good. My friend Colin once wrote, "When you cover something as vile as raisins in something as delicious as chocolate, it inevitably results in chaos. Am I supposed to be chewing or dissolving? Am I supposed to be eating healthy or pigging out? Fried lard covered in chocolate? I’m sold. Donuts wrapped in bacon, then covered in chocolate? Sign me up! But Raisinets leave the candy connoisseur feeling confused, disappointed, and most importantly, disgusted." And I concur.

Also, is there anything better than that random neighbor that gives out the full-sized candy bars? AWESOME. It's like living next to the Rockefellers for one day a year...except instead of revolutionizing the petroleum industry, you get full-sized Reese's Peanut Butter Cups!

My friend Steve said they give out full-sized candy bars at his house. Now, I'm not about to tell you his address BUT I will share with you this little bit of knowledge:

 

"Steve's Tips for Tricks and Treats on Halloween"

 

• Next year, wear a costume every day except Halloween.
• Keep authorities honest by sticking razors in the candy.
• Don't just scare the trick or treaters, hurt them.
• Tell the princesses they're supposed to look pretty, not ugly.
• Ask the fathers if "daddy wants some candy, too."
• Unwrap all the chocolate bars before putting them in the bowl.
• Give out little bags of bread and those mini-water bottles.
• Don't give candy to the group's worst costume.
• Flash 'em.

So.....yeah. Actually, DON'T go to Steve's house.....

I Am the One Hiding Under Your Bed, Teeth Ground Sharp and Eyes Glowing Red

I love Halloween. Love. It would totally be my favorite holiday but Thanksgiving involves stuffing.

Shelley, Me, Danni

Every year, I dress up and give out candy at my parents' house. The Green M&M. SpongeBob Squarepants. Speed Racer. Scooby Doo. A baseball player. Kids FREAK OUT when you answer the door dressed as an awesome character, and not as a middle aged husband/wife that hates his/her life, got married way too young and feels trapped in a suburban hell. They see SO much of that on other streets, I'm sure.

Best reaction I've received by far was the Dad who exclaimed, "OH MY GOD DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS?!?" when I was dressed up as Speed Racer. It wasn't just the exclamation and being peppered with questions as to where I got such an awesome costume, but the look of utter disappointment when his son had NO idea. It was like he failed as a father. He started to explain the show, the characters, but there was no hiding it. That kid was getting a beating when he got home. (Kidding!) (Maybe!)

Costume parties can always be pretty stressful though. Dressing up for kids is easy, but what about my peers? What should I go as? A witch? What is this? 1692?

I'm pretty averse (re: out of shape) to going as "slutty" anything, so that knocks off about 90 percent of female costumes. Since I'm not comfortable going as Slutty Snow White, you know what that leaves? Celebrities.

I was chatting with my friend Chris the other day and we realized that Fall is not only the time of year when the leaves turn, the wind is brisk, and white people voluntarily pick fruit for one day a year. We are all waiting, scanning the headlines and TMZ, for someone famous to do something 1) dumb and 2) visual.

I mean, Hollywood is basically the Holy Grail of timely, hilarious costumes.

Britney's "I Got the Golden Ticket" tshirt. Lindsay Lohan's alcohol monitoring anklet. Amy Winehouse appearing anywhere in public. These are usually the cheapest and best costumes, in my opinion.

We actually started making up fake, awesome scenarios that would, in turn, be great costumes. Imagine (note: these things did not happen)"What's that? Patrick Stewart was caught doing blow in a motel room wearing a Star Trek jacket and 70s pants?? In September??" Or "Moby wore a Matrix trench coat and wrote GO in red lipstick on his forehead for the VMAs?" Or "David Hasselhoff was drunk and shirtless on the floor eating a cheeseburger?" I mean, these crazy, fake scenarios are gold but could NEVER actually happen, right? Someone make this happen in real life.

So what are you being this year? Brett Favre and Jenn Sterger? Christine O'Donnell? A Chilean Miner? A Chilean Minor? Snooki? Gaga? Bieber? Mustard?

We are agents of the free, I've had my fun and now it's time to serve....

As you may know, if you have followed my blog from the beginning or read all my posts because you’re a new friend or a stalker, I have theories. Most notably, celery is nature’s spoon.

I wanted to share another theory with you all. Maybe because it’s Halloween time? Maybe because Jim hates red Mike & Ikes? Maybe because I AM glad you didn’t say banana?

Here it is: You Cannot Rhyme, Nor Go Wrong, With Orange

Think of a fruit candy. Here, I’ll do it for you: Skittles, Starbursts, Runts, Gummi Bears, Those Jelly Things Covered In Sugar, jelly beans and so on. 

You might have a favorite color/flavor that varies based on the candy. But you know what? Orange is always orange, and orange is always good. 

Red? Could be cherry, fruit punch, strawberry, watermelon…..

Green? Could be lime, also could be watermelon (WHAT? I know)…..

Yellow? TOTAL CRAP SHOOT. Could be lemon, could be banana, could be pina colada even if you’re not caught in the rain….

But orange? It’s orange. It tastes like oranges. It’s good. It might not be your favorite and get all the glory (I’m looking at you, flashy pink Starbursts) but orange is always orange, and orange is always good. 

And since I’m dropping knowledge up in this piece….

(Keeping in mind, this is coming from someone who previously held the self-imposed title of “heavyweight champion” but now I live by one simple rule…one rule to rule them all…and my life is forever changed.)

Ready?

A SANDWICH IS NOT A SNACK.

Seriously. If you’re in between meals, you can’t just eat a fluffernutter. That is a meal, not a snack.

Sure, there are plenty of little changes a person can make to get healthier. Switch to skim milk. Choose whole grain bread (now with more seeds!). Not assume a box of macaroni and cheese is one serving even though it all fits quite neatly into a one bowl.  

But if you’re looking for a snack….don’t eat a sandwich. That is a meal, not a snack. Oreos, despite being a sandwich cookie, are a snack. 

And a hot dog is a sandwich. Yeah, I just blew your mind. 

Namaste.

Don't just look. Come and take it. 'Cause what I've got. You know you can't fake it.

I just realized the verse from Rock Me Amadeus by Falco is reminiscent of what it sounds like when you try to have a conversation with someone who is throwing up. Turns out he’s just singing in German.

Seriously. Listen:



As most of you know, I’m an above average dancer for my race. I don’t think my parents were ever worried about me becoming a stripper though because I have always been jusssssssst a little fat. I’m thinking one day, the thick white girl stripper market might take off. And when it does, I would open a club and I would name it “Krackazz.”

Every time I walk out of my office, I see cardboard taped to the floor and have to fight the urge to do a head spin. 1) Because it would be completely unprofessional and 2) Because I have no idea how to do a head spin and would likely die.

I think "Is that a euphemism?" is my new favorite "That's what she said." The premise is the same. Making a relatively innocuous saying into something sexual. The awesome difference is that you are assuming those around you know what the word "euphemism" means. Funny AND pretentious. JACKPOT.

True answers to the question "What was that noise?" should my landlord ever came upstairs, concerned:

• I was doing the running man in my kitchen while listening to "I Got The Power" and I was making breakfast and I had just sprayed Pam and I slipped because I had socks on and saved my own life by grabbing the counter but knocked over an empty omlette pan and it crashed to the floor.
• "Ease On Down The Road" was on my iPod so I eased on down through the apartment, back and forth, about 25 times, but I had on headphones and I am not small and gravity is not kind and ballet flats do not make a person Anna Pavlova, so it may have been louder than I had anticipated.
  
• My best friend just called me to tell me she got engaged but I thought she was calling to talk about the girl singing "Listen" from Dreamgirls on Glee so I was totally caught off guard and began to scream and I apologize because, as she pointed out, I sounded like I was on Space Mountain.
• My roommate came home and was playing music at 5 a.m. and I was fine until Norah Jones came on and I find her mellow, acoustic pop both banal and infuriating so I got up and I slammed a door. (Hi Cass! xoxo)

Now ain't that some shit.

It’s the sport of kings, better than diamond rings, that’s why we’re here to sing...football!

Some of you may be thinking, “Hey Mokaba, is your blog just all you and your friends combining words together now? What is up with that? By the way, you look very pretty today.” To this, I would reply, “Thank you. And no, it just seems like that because the past few posts have been lots of SHUT THE HELL UP.”

What do you do when your friend, who works for an invitation-only shopping site, needs a fashion-related name for the work NFL survivor pool team?

You, Jen, and Chris do this:

The clear winner: Diane Von Furstengoal

Runners up:

We Must Protect This House of Style

Clinton Pret-a-Portis

Sacks and the City

Right Said Fred Taylor

Steve Madden NFL '10

LaCoste Us The Game

Victorious Secret

Illegal Clothesline

MoschinOchoCinco

Sacks 5^th Avenue

Straight Cashmere, Homey

Forever 21-0

First and Trend

Puttin on the fRitz Pollard

Nine West Coast Offense

Karl Lagerfieldgoal

Yves St. Laurendzone

Don SchuLa Perla

Fendi-fense!

Donatella Versacky

Helmet Lang

Christian LaCroixbar

Take An Armanknee

Steve McNairbrush

Van Unnecessary RoughNess

Brian WestBrooks Brothers

Buffalo David Bittonsides Kick

Betsy Johnsides Kick

Original Penguin One For the Gipper

Kenneth Coleline Stand

TJ Maxx Protect Punt Formation

The Limited Too-a-Days

Burlington Coates Factory

Baby Snap

Free Safety-pins

Neutrals Zone

Receiving the Two Snaps Up

Shirts and Pigskins

Rue LaDainian Tomlinson

Jarrard’s Pageboys

SmartbarGain of 5

Pittsburg Heelers

The Cover-alls

First Gowns

Watch out, Cupid stuck me with a sickness, pull your little arrows out and let me live my life

As it turns out, combining two terms into something new and funny is something that my friends, who are hilarious, enjoy doing and have done so for quite some time.

Take my friend, Erica, for example. Also, read her blog, which she updates just as frequently as I update mine.

Back in 2004, she and a coworker started making a list celebrity names mixed with medical ailments and the like.

The list had not been updated since that fateful day UNTIL she was inspired by my 80s bakery post and decided it was time to revisit the list. I feel like we’ve created a modern day set of celebrity-based Garbage Pail Kids and I could not be more proud. Also, the bar for things I am proud of is set very, very low. I woke up today! Hooray!

MUSICIANS

Malady Gaga

Katy Periodontitis

Jason Derulowflowpriapism

Gucci Manic Depressive

Ke$ha - It just sounds like a disease, and frankly, it looks like she might have something

Taylor Swift’s Disease

Brucellosis Springsteen

Diseasy E.

Culture Clubfoot

Croup Doggy Dogg

Biggie Smallpox

ChlamyDionne Warwick

Elton Jaundice

Garthritis Brooks

Robert Plantar's Wart

HalitOtis Redding

Cirrhosis Mixalot

ACTORS

Christina Hendricketts

Tinnitus Fey

Mariska HargiTay-Sachs

Rita Wilson's Disease

Amy BiPohler

Julia Louis-Dried Pus

John Hammertoe

Lupus Gossett Jr.

Lindsay Lohandfootandmouth disease

Rosacea O'Donnell

Paris Hiltonsilitis

Johnny Carcinoma

Scarlet Fever Johansson

Hepatitis B Arthur

GonorRhea Perlman

Sickle Cell AneMia Farrow

Bends Affleck (or Ben Afflicktion)

Molly Ringworm

Sharon Kidney Stone

Russell Crohn's Disease

Charles Bronchitisson (pushing it)

BANDS

Massive Attachycardia

Motley Croup

Kings of Leiomyomas

Paramorphea

Temper Trapidheartbeat

MononucleOasis

2 Live Flu

Anthrax

Bon Jovinile Diabetes

Great Whitehead