If Ever Words Were Spoken, Painful and Untrue, I Said I Loved But I Lied.....

The holidays are a time for family....

which is why three of my friends and I decided to launch a website about break ups!

http://www.thatswhyidumpedyou.com/

Live it. Love it. Submit. We're also on Facebook and Twitter at @idumpedyou.

Matt, Chris, Tom and I will be eternally grateful. We cannot say the same about your ex.

Phew, for a minute there, I lost myself.

Today I briefly wondered if I posted "Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo" as my blog title if anyone would know the song lyrics were from "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam. I decided no.

Oh hey, Christmas! Who is excited?! Me.

I'm not only excited to be surrounded by the most wonderful family and friends money can buy, I'm actually just excited to say "peace the f*** out" to 2010. I think that might be the first time I've used the "f" word on my blog and it has never been so deserved.

Honestly, there are so many things in life you can control. Your choices. The people you choose to include in your life. Your own reactions to things. And there are so many things that you can't control. And those...those are the worst.There are people that you will lose without ever actually having agreed to let them go. There are things that won't work out, even though you've spent the past 20 years preparing for them.  LOST will have a series finale. These are things you can't control. And they...they are the worst.

There are of course so many things have been gained this year. New friends, like Steve and Hillary. New jobs, like the one I have now. New pounds, like the ones I gained while perfecting the meatloaf and homemade banana bread. There are also a few things I hope to say goodbye to as we embrace 2011 with open-armed, big-boobed hugs.

And because I love lists, and that will never change, here are the top five things I hope Father Time leaves behind:

GTL- Gym, tanning, laundry. Guidos Trippin Likewhoa. Gangrenous Tiny ilLiterates. In any case, I hope I never hear it again. As well as anything associated with it, like the fist pump, Snooki, "The Situation," etc.

Photo poses - Stop giving the peace sign or a thumbs up. Seriously. Are we that awkward that we can't just have our hands down when posing for a photo? Put your hand on your hip, it's more flattering. You're throwing up a peace sign, but I'm fairly certain you can't spell any of the countries that we are currently occupying with troops. Just stop the insanity and put your hands down, you look stupid. Deuces!

Drunk words - Are you plastered? Hammered? Smashed? Shitfaced? Wasted?  Faded like Soul Decision? - To be honest, I'm all of those things right now, but I think it's just better to avoid these words all together.

Old Navy mannequin commercials - Those things are creepy. I'm buying a tshirt that I'm fairly certain is just going to disintegrate after being washed five times, stop creeping me out with your commercials. They are dead and soulless, like me, except they don't smell like they spent an entire Sunday baking peanut butter cookies for the office.

Brett Favre - Just....no. He's the  "Out, out damn'd spot!" of NFL quarterbacks. No matter how hard you try, you can't stop us now....and you can't get him to retire.

Are there any things you hope to stop dead in their tracks in 2010? And by "dead in their tracks" I do actually mean "kill with your bare hands" so choose your responses carefully....

Winter's Silver Overcoat...Blue Sky...Crystalline.....

Everyone has favorites. A favorite song. A favorite movie. A favorite child. Sometimes people will say, "I don't think I really have one," when asked a favorite something. Of course you do! Have an opinion! Jesus! (Jesus is my favorite self-proclaimed savior/seemingly nice guy with some good ideas).

The holidays are a perfect time to figure out your favorites! You're already deciding who is getting a Christmas card, who is getting a present, etc. It's a natural part of the season because you can't give everything to everyone...I've looked into it. Trust me. Let's explore some of our favorites, together:

Favorite holiday movie - Love, Actually. Great movie. Very quotable. I'm a girl. Funny and heartwarming.  Elf is a close second, but if I could only watch one holiday movie each year, it would be Love, Actually. I quote it all the time but I think the only person who actually picks up on it is my friend Kristin. Usually when I say things like, "Just in cases," people look at me like I'm a girl from Portugal hired to help clean Colin Firth's house after I just dove into a pond to save his book because he didn't make any copies.

Favorite holiday song - Life is so hard! This is a tough question, but if I could only listen to one Christmas song each year it would be Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy by David Bowie and Bing Crosby. It's just classic. Plus it's actually two songs, meaning 1) it was a mashup before mashups were cool and 2) I feel like I'm getting more bang for my buck. A two-for-one and everyone loves a bargain around the holidays. Runners up - Last Christmas by Wham! and Christmas Time Is Here from A Charlie Brown Christmas.

Favorite Christmas present received- Another tough question. I'm going with the year I received a  microscope. I know what you're thinking, "But Lisa, you're not...smart," and that's fine. I just never got tired of looking at that slide of a fruit fly. On a related note, I can't believe I had friends as a child. Runner up - Masters of the Universe Slime Pit. The only reason why it came in second is that once you got crumbs or dust or anything into that slime...it was pretty gross.

Favorite stocking stuffer - Scratch tickets. Hands down. Next question.

Favorite holiday tradition -  Going to my Auntie Ellen's every Christmas Eve. It's the best. This year we're introducing board games. In the past, we've done family trivia and had dance parties. Also, when we were younger, we were tasked with carrying around trays of hors d'oeuvres. I remember feeling so privileged to have that opportunity. Now I feel like we were just cheap labor. I think we were paid in stuffed mushrooms.

Least favorite holiday tradition - Taking down the Christmas tree. That's the worst. Wrapping up all the ornaments. Inevitably losing ornament hooks. First, it's sad because it signals the end of the holiday season. Second, it's just boring. The room looks a little "off" for the next few days because you feel like there is just something missing. Like a big, giant hole where a tree used to be. I imagine this is exactly how they felt in Ferngully.

So what about you? What are your favorite holiday things? I'd love to hear about them. Sleigh bells ring....and I AM LISTENING.

You went back to what you knew, so far removed from all that we went through....

New theory! To go along with "Celery is Nature's Spoon" and "You Cannot Rhyme, Nor Go Wrong, With Orange." You know that feeling when you first wake up? The one where you're like, "Man, it's (ungodly hour) already? Sigh." Then you kind of just rub your eyes and look around for a bit, maybe you start to plan out your day or figure out what to wear. The sun is peeking through the windows and you're starting to focus on the ceiling and there is a little dot and you kind of feel like it is moving but you aren't really sure but thenOHMYGOSH is that a spider?!? It's amazing how fast you'll get up. Spiders are nature's alarm clock!

My friends are so funny...
Me: Steve, did you leave a comment on my blog?
Steve: No. Maybe you have a stalker?
Me: Oh, like that guy that is looking in my window?
Steve: No, there's no one else out here.

(I went and checked too, just Steve in his usual spot. And Edward.)

My favorite things to exclaim just because they make no sense and make me laugh:

- "PANIC AT THE DISCO!" (it's kind of like "Everybody act cool!")
- "Wait!" (then whisper under your breath) "...they don't love you like I love you." (Particularly when someone is leaving but will be returning shortly, like to get a cup of coffee or something out of the printer.)
- "New York London Paris Munich!" (This one subs in nicely for the more common "Jesus, Mary and Joseph")

You know what else is my favorite? Animals. Animals are my favorite food.

Don't you hate when you pull up to a destination right as an awesome song comes on the radio and you're bummed to get out of the car? That sucks. Do I sit here and listen to it? Do I just go to my destination and download it off the interweb because it's 2010 and we can all just instantly have what we want? Life is so hard.

You know what is awesome? When you pull up to your destination just as a song is ending, and you shut off the radio just as the last note plays. It's just a happy, satisfactory sense of completion. Like a scene in a movie. So then you pretend you're in a movie scene and you go to get out of your car as if you're being filmed and then you dramatically walk towards your destination, occasionally looking sideways off in the distance, your gait a little wider, your hair blowing back, you take off your sunglasses and look down as you're walking up the stairs in slow motion like there is...oh, just me? Only I do that? Alrighty.

Moving on.  

Life is bent, into a shape, I can hold, a twist of fate...

Am I the only person who still kind of freaks out when seeing a person from Lost on a different show? Like today when I saw Miles working in a lab on Law & Order. So weird! Instead of speaking to the dead, he was identifying if the cat hair on the suspect's pants was the same as that found on the victim! I miss that show. I have high hopes for The Walking Dead, although to be completely transparent, that show scares the crap out of me and if zombies come around, I am basically a brain on a silver platter. 28 Days Later, I am NOT Legend.

So I have this friend Pat Who Daily Thanks God for Yoga Pants (he makes me call him that) and he is a way more talented writer than I is are. You should read Pat's animated screenplay Sammy Jingles. It's Christmasy and funny and smart and inspired.

Seriously, it is the most awesome thing I've read, ever: http://studios.amazon.com/projects/98

The songs alone deserve many, many awards. I may have helped him out with a line about Pokemon. No big deal.

I've also decided that combining words is my favorite thing ever. Faveingver. Okay that one didn't work.

I move onward, the only direction. Can't be scared to fail, searching for perfection.

It's Thanksgiving. The natural thing for me to do is to talk about Halloween again. No, that's ridiculous. Let's talk about what we're thankful for, shall we?  Walk with me.....

My mom took this picture. She's awesome.

I'm thankful for my family. Like whoa. They are amazing. I can't imagine dreading a family get together. I love them. On a rare, serious note, they don't even need to pick me up when I fall, because they have never let me hit the ground.

Today we did shots at Thanksgiving. Not like "erase the ability to feel because OMG I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE " shots (which is not too far off, let's be honest), like a "hooray for family and Thanksgiving and life and love and family again," shots.  And the food is delicious. (There were FOUR kinds of stuffing this year!) They always tell me they like whatever I brought, and I don't even care if it's true! I'm just happy everyone ate it. We also picked names for the Christmas grab and decided it would be extra funny if we also picked names for new tattoos. "Shaun, you got Lisa. That will look nice on your neck."

I'm thankful for my friends.  Especially Kristin and Chris and Amy and Lisa. And definitely Cassie (even if I have to pick your drunk ass up at 3 am). I would be lost without you.

And my GPS. I would be completely lost without you. I would still be driving around Brooklyn.

I'm thankful for music. I'm thankful for bands like The Sheila Divine (welcome back!) who can make my little wooden heart turn and Amy Winehouse  (please come back!) who speaks to my soul and Metallica (the Black Album and previous albums) (watch your back!) because you make me feel like a natural woman who can take down another girl in a fight. What? It's a fact. That would be 29 years of being nice to people who I should not be nice to coming out all at once!

(I'm not thankful for lyrics that do not rhyme, like "You are chihuahua I`m a rottweiler," Will.I.Am., that does not rhyme, you should take more time, I'll pay you a dime, it would be sublime...)

Sublime sucks by the way. FYI. You just learned something. On a holiday. I have today off.

I'm thankful for my amazing job and my awesome coworkers because I get to be creative and it's okay that I'm a little quirky and weird. It's just kind of who I am and they seem okay with that. And that's tangentially how I met Jeff and Deb and David and Jordan and lots of other people who make life infinitely more funny. 


And I'm thankful for airport scanners and gropers because I know a lot of people who put a lot of effort into trying to get people to touch them and look at them naked. And at least with those airport scanner pictures, you don't have to worry about cutting off your head in the photo like I have to do with all those ones I sext out from my phone. Safe flight!


And I'm thankful for you, if you read this.

Everyone has a story to tell. Whether you're a Care Bear or Shrek, you are who you are. Be thankful for what you have, and considerate of others who care about you, and hopeful for what you want and unafraid to go get it.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. xoxo

You were in the darkness too...So I stayed in the darkness with you

Do you guys remember that time my friend Kate was on Wheel of Fortune? Me too. Sure, that girl that solved the puzzle with just one letter is getting a lot of buzz but Kate, after making up the word "fiping," solved the final puzzle before Pat even finished saying "good luck" so I still would rank her as the greatest WOF contestant of all time.

(The category was "Things" and the puzzle was _ _ _ ES AND P _ NS)

I think being on a game show is up there on the list of awesome things I don't think I could ever actually do. I'm not going to blame it entirely on being scarred by Cindy Brady's game show collapse on "Question the Kids," (Baton Rouge! Baton Rouge! Baton Rouge!) or that time Cliff from Cheers goes on Jeopardy ("Who are three people who have never been in my kitchen?") but that is basically my biggest fear. Getting on the show and my mind going completely blank. I think the closest I'm going to get to an actual game show (until I convince a team to wander around New York with me, desperately seeking Cash Cab) is to continue playing the lucrative pub trivia circuit.

The other day I went with some of my friends to play trivia, specifically, music trivia. And honestly, it was really hard. Like, what band has a one-armed drummer? Fine. Everyone knows that. Def Leppard. Oh no. That's not what they asked. What was that one-armed drummer's NAME? What? Who knows that?

I think how the question is asked makes a huge difference. That's what makes Jeopardy awesome.There is usually a hint to the answer (question, whatever) in the question (answer, whatever). Like a playful pun. There is always something that makes you more confident that your guess might actually be right. Granted, I would never actually go on Jeopardy. I know if I ever made it on the show, the categories would be like "16th Century Russian Poetry" and not "3-Letter Words" or "Foods that Start with 'G'" and other things about which I know entirely too much.

But music trivia, the questions were just asked in a misleading way. Like asking which artist debuted at number one, we would think the song was what debuted at #1, but it was actually the album, and so on. Or when he was like, "Which song has been on the Billboard Top 100 for 29 weeks?" Dude, I don't know. But had he said "Which TERRIBLE song has been on the Billboard Top 100 for 29 weeks?" I would have been like oh, Airplanes by B.o.B and that angst-y girl.

The bottom line is that I don't know as much about music as I wish I did. Sure, my awareness of murdered Tejano superstar Selena came in handy, but I really think I could have done better. I was really hoping for a lightening round of "Name as many Michael Jackson songs as you can in one minute" or "List all of the Britney Spears singles that have appeared on the Billboard 100." Yes, that's where I would have shined. Am I proud of that? You bet your sweet ass. And really, who are you to judge? Rick Allen? Yeah, that's what I thought, you wouldn't have answered that correctly either.....

This Used to be My Playground....Used to be....This Used to be My Childhood Dream....

My wonderful friend Amy got stuck had the opportunity to babysit her niece and nephew this weekend and in an effort to secure the title of "World's Best Aunt," decided on a host of activities, including but not limited to a Sunday night visit to Chuck E. Cheese. I was invited along. Kids? Games? Amy? Jackpot.

First of all, I got there about 15 minutes before Amy arrived and was faced with a pretty easy decision. Go in or stay outside? Easy! I mean, I had to just wait in my car because I wasn't about to walk in there without a kid, that would be creepy. But do you know what is more creepy? Sitting in your car outside of Chuck E. Cheese. I felt like every parent that walked out GLARED at me, like I was just sitting there, waiting for some kid to wander just far enough away so I could throw them into the back of my Accord. Or like my accomplice friend was inside and I was waiting in the getaway car for when she comes running out with a new addition to the family. The entire thing was very stressful and I hadn't even been inside yet. And in all honestly, most of the kids weren't even that cute. Definitely not steal-worthy.

Speaking of inside, I'm fairly certain Chuck E. Cheese used to be about 10x the size it is now. And what ever happened to the Cheese Factory? I remember it quite distinctly. The carpet was blue. At one point you jumped down a pretty big stair, then ran over this part that was kind of like a waterbed, then...okay, fine, that's all I remember. But it existed! And now it doesn't. Why? Did someone die in there? Someone died in there, didn't they? Did they ever find that kid? I bet the only kids that ever died at Chuck E. Cheese died of the flu. Seriously, I feel like I needed a Purell shower after exiting the premises.

And where are all the cool games?! Where is Whack-A-Mole? I really don't feel like earning tickets by playing the game where you drop the coin in and try to time it so it lands in a boat. I want to abuse some small animals that are so beaten up they actually look like critters...from the movie Critters.

Even the swag isn't as cool as it was before. Granted we had about 11 tickets (we were working with a 3 year old and a 1 year old) but certainly our options weren't as cool as this AWESOMENESS featured today on I'm Remembering.

Who doesn't want a Mr. Munch plastic figurine? Yes, that's the Grimace-like purple guy. Why do I know that? The real question is: Why don't you? 

I guess one day, when I care about things besides myself, I'll look at places like Chuck E. Cheese in a new light. Be consumed by a sense of wonder as I see it through the eyes of a child. (Should be around 2025...unless I find one cute enough to steal....)

I Can't Be Sure That You're the One for Me...But All I Ask Is That You Dance with Me

Usher's latest song tells me to "dance (dance) like it's the last (last) night of your life (life)."

Photo by Scott Zuehlke

To that I say, Usher, if it's the last night of my life, I'm probably going to "Say (say) goodbye to my loved ones, and thank (thank) them for everything and delete (delete) all the incriminating stuff on my hard drive and phone."

Celebrities are so out of touch.

So close yet so far ya know, she never seemed to notice, that this silly schoolboy crush wasn't just pretend....

You know that saying that all girls quote or have hanging in their rooms or in a frame on their desks or whatever? The one that ends with "Dance like no one is watching." Why would you dance like no one is watching? That's crazyface. Dance like EVERYONE is watching! Own that shizz. If you do...eventually..they will watch. And they will like it. And then you're awesome!

Did everyone vote today? Did everyone remind everyone to vote today so that all you heard or read all day was people telling you to vote even though everyone around you was also telling you to vote so you were basically just telling people who said they voted, to vote?

I'm fairly certain if I tried to remind all of my friends on Facebook to vote today, it would have been the equivalent of me standing next to the super-election-scantron-machine, as you were entering your ballot, while the poll workers were crossing off your name, yelling, "Don't forget to vote!" Kind of repetitive, given the audience.

I wish folks would remind me to do other stuff besides vote. Like "Don't forget to floss today!" or "Don't forget to pay NStar today!" Then I could get a sweet sticker, everyone's dental hygiene would be better, my lights wouldn't get shut off...everybody wins!

If you are my age (29 for the first time), with a standard deviation of 10 years, you should read this site every single day: I'm Remembering!

Have you ever had one of those days when you're over-analyzing everything you do and you kind of deny feelings you have even though you have suspected them all along and eventually you have to admit them to yourself? Had that today...."Crap. I like Maroon 5."

I always feel bad when people say, "I don't know. I don't watch much TV." I watch a TON of TV. I average about 3 episodes of Law & Order (Original recipe, SVU and/or Criminal Intent) a day. I also read books, so I figure that helps balance my massive television consumption. You can Take That like Robbie Williams, non-TV watchers.

Speaking of which, if the little boy that came to my house trick-or-treating dressed as a S.W.A.T. team member had actually been wearing an NCIS hat, I'm fairly certain he was getting the whole bowl of candy from the Mokaba house. Porch light off! No more candy! That kid wins Halloween.

You know who else wins? Me. For having readers like you. Hugs!

Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6...now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

Granted the pharmacist doesn't know that I've never even smoked a cigarette, thus am unlikely to make the leap to hard core drugs....but I think the process to acquire actual meth may be easier than that to purchase the cold and sinus medication I needed tonight in an attempt to regain the ability breathe through my nose again.

My girl's like candy, a candy treat. She knocks me right up off my feet.

Let's be honest. The other awesome (re: fat) part of Halloween is candy. Some, of course, are better than others. Snickers? Yay! Chunky? No. Peanuts? Huh? Are we on a plane?

My favorite candy is also my mortal enemy. Gummy Bears. Sometimes when I take care of my sister's dog, Bowdoin, she and her husband leave detailed instructions for how to feed him. "One cup of food. Wait 5 minutes. One cup of food. Wait 5 minutes. Water." Apparently he will just eat it all really fast and throw up if you don't force him to pace himself. 

I have the SAME problem with Gummy Bears. Seriously. I will just eat them until I want to throw up. I don't have enough self-control, at age 29, to avoid making myself sick. To be honest, I do the same with Skittles. And Starbursts. And Swedish Fish. What is WRONG with me?

No fear with Raisinets, though. Do not even get me started on Raisinets. I hate raisins to begin with (as noted here and here), and putting chocolate on them, while a nice touch, is not going to make them taste good. My friend Colin once wrote, "When you cover something as vile as raisins in something as delicious as chocolate, it inevitably results in chaos. Am I supposed to be chewing or dissolving? Am I supposed to be eating healthy or pigging out? Fried lard covered in chocolate? I’m sold. Donuts wrapped in bacon, then covered in chocolate? Sign me up! But Raisinets leave the candy connoisseur feeling confused, disappointed, and most importantly, disgusted." And I concur.

Also, is there anything better than that random neighbor that gives out the full-sized candy bars? AWESOME. It's like living next to the Rockefellers for one day a year...except instead of revolutionizing the petroleum industry, you get full-sized Reese's Peanut Butter Cups!

My friend Steve said they give out full-sized candy bars at his house. Now, I'm not about to tell you his address BUT I will share with you this little bit of knowledge:

 

"Steve's Tips for Tricks and Treats on Halloween"

 

• Next year, wear a costume every day except Halloween.
• Keep authorities honest by sticking razors in the candy.
• Don't just scare the trick or treaters, hurt them.
• Tell the princesses they're supposed to look pretty, not ugly.
• Ask the fathers if "daddy wants some candy, too."
• Unwrap all the chocolate bars before putting them in the bowl.
• Give out little bags of bread and those mini-water bottles.
• Don't give candy to the group's worst costume.
• Flash 'em.

So.....yeah. Actually, DON'T go to Steve's house.....

I Am the One Hiding Under Your Bed, Teeth Ground Sharp and Eyes Glowing Red

I love Halloween. Love. It would totally be my favorite holiday but Thanksgiving involves stuffing.

Shelley, Me, Danni

Every year, I dress up and give out candy at my parents' house. The Green M&M. SpongeBob Squarepants. Speed Racer. Scooby Doo. A baseball player. Kids FREAK OUT when you answer the door dressed as an awesome character, and not as a middle aged husband/wife that hates his/her life, got married way too young and feels trapped in a suburban hell. They see SO much of that on other streets, I'm sure.

Best reaction I've received by far was the Dad who exclaimed, "OH MY GOD DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS?!?" when I was dressed up as Speed Racer. It wasn't just the exclamation and being peppered with questions as to where I got such an awesome costume, but the look of utter disappointment when his son had NO idea. It was like he failed as a father. He started to explain the show, the characters, but there was no hiding it. That kid was getting a beating when he got home. (Kidding!) (Maybe!)

Costume parties can always be pretty stressful though. Dressing up for kids is easy, but what about my peers? What should I go as? A witch? What is this? 1692?

I'm pretty averse (re: out of shape) to going as "slutty" anything, so that knocks off about 90 percent of female costumes. Since I'm not comfortable going as Slutty Snow White, you know what that leaves? Celebrities.

I was chatting with my friend Chris the other day and we realized that Fall is not only the time of year when the leaves turn, the wind is brisk, and white people voluntarily pick fruit for one day a year. We are all waiting, scanning the headlines and TMZ, for someone famous to do something 1) dumb and 2) visual.

I mean, Hollywood is basically the Holy Grail of timely, hilarious costumes.

Britney's "I Got the Golden Ticket" tshirt. Lindsay Lohan's alcohol monitoring anklet. Amy Winehouse appearing anywhere in public. These are usually the cheapest and best costumes, in my opinion.

We actually started making up fake, awesome scenarios that would, in turn, be great costumes. Imagine (note: these things did not happen)"What's that? Patrick Stewart was caught doing blow in a motel room wearing a Star Trek jacket and 70s pants?? In September??" Or "Moby wore a Matrix trench coat and wrote GO in red lipstick on his forehead for the VMAs?" Or "David Hasselhoff was drunk and shirtless on the floor eating a cheeseburger?" I mean, these crazy, fake scenarios are gold but could NEVER actually happen, right? Someone make this happen in real life.

So what are you being this year? Brett Favre and Jenn Sterger? Christine O'Donnell? A Chilean Miner? A Chilean Minor? Snooki? Gaga? Bieber? Mustard?

We are agents of the free, I've had my fun and now it's time to serve....

As you may know, if you have followed my blog from the beginning or read all my posts because you’re a new friend or a stalker, I have theories. Most notably, celery is nature’s spoon.

I wanted to share another theory with you all. Maybe because it’s Halloween time? Maybe because Jim hates red Mike & Ikes? Maybe because I AM glad you didn’t say banana?

Here it is: You Cannot Rhyme, Nor Go Wrong, With Orange

Think of a fruit candy. Here, I’ll do it for you: Skittles, Starbursts, Runts, Gummi Bears, Those Jelly Things Covered In Sugar, jelly beans and so on. 

You might have a favorite color/flavor that varies based on the candy. But you know what? Orange is always orange, and orange is always good. 

Red? Could be cherry, fruit punch, strawberry, watermelon…..

Green? Could be lime, also could be watermelon (WHAT? I know)…..

Yellow? TOTAL CRAP SHOOT. Could be lemon, could be banana, could be pina colada even if you’re not caught in the rain….

But orange? It’s orange. It tastes like oranges. It’s good. It might not be your favorite and get all the glory (I’m looking at you, flashy pink Starbursts) but orange is always orange, and orange is always good. 

And since I’m dropping knowledge up in this piece….

(Keeping in mind, this is coming from someone who previously held the self-imposed title of “heavyweight champion” but now I live by one simple rule…one rule to rule them all…and my life is forever changed.)

Ready?

A SANDWICH IS NOT A SNACK.

Seriously. If you’re in between meals, you can’t just eat a fluffernutter. That is a meal, not a snack.

Sure, there are plenty of little changes a person can make to get healthier. Switch to skim milk. Choose whole grain bread (now with more seeds!). Not assume a box of macaroni and cheese is one serving even though it all fits quite neatly into a one bowl.  

But if you’re looking for a snack….don’t eat a sandwich. That is a meal, not a snack. Oreos, despite being a sandwich cookie, are a snack. 

And a hot dog is a sandwich. Yeah, I just blew your mind. 

Namaste.

Don't just look. Come and take it. 'Cause what I've got. You know you can't fake it.

I just realized the verse from Rock Me Amadeus by Falco is reminiscent of what it sounds like when you try to have a conversation with someone who is throwing up. Turns out he’s just singing in German.

Seriously. Listen:



As most of you know, I’m an above average dancer for my race. I don’t think my parents were ever worried about me becoming a stripper though because I have always been jusssssssst a little fat. I’m thinking one day, the thick white girl stripper market might take off. And when it does, I would open a club and I would name it “Krackazz.”

Every time I walk out of my office, I see cardboard taped to the floor and have to fight the urge to do a head spin. 1) Because it would be completely unprofessional and 2) Because I have no idea how to do a head spin and would likely die.

I think "Is that a euphemism?" is my new favorite "That's what she said." The premise is the same. Making a relatively innocuous saying into something sexual. The awesome difference is that you are assuming those around you know what the word "euphemism" means. Funny AND pretentious. JACKPOT.

True answers to the question "What was that noise?" should my landlord ever came upstairs, concerned:

• I was doing the running man in my kitchen while listening to "I Got The Power" and I was making breakfast and I had just sprayed Pam and I slipped because I had socks on and saved my own life by grabbing the counter but knocked over an empty omlette pan and it crashed to the floor.
• "Ease On Down The Road" was on my iPod so I eased on down through the apartment, back and forth, about 25 times, but I had on headphones and I am not small and gravity is not kind and ballet flats do not make a person Anna Pavlova, so it may have been louder than I had anticipated.
  
• My best friend just called me to tell me she got engaged but I thought she was calling to talk about the girl singing "Listen" from Dreamgirls on Glee so I was totally caught off guard and began to scream and I apologize because, as she pointed out, I sounded like I was on Space Mountain.
• My roommate came home and was playing music at 5 a.m. and I was fine until Norah Jones came on and I find her mellow, acoustic pop both banal and infuriating so I got up and I slammed a door. (Hi Cass! xoxo)

Now ain't that some shit.

It’s the sport of kings, better than diamond rings, that’s why we’re here to sing...football!

Some of you may be thinking, “Hey Mokaba, is your blog just all you and your friends combining words together now? What is up with that? By the way, you look very pretty today.” To this, I would reply, “Thank you. And no, it just seems like that because the past few posts have been lots of SHUT THE HELL UP.”

What do you do when your friend, who works for an invitation-only shopping site, needs a fashion-related name for the work NFL survivor pool team?

You, Jen, and Chris do this:

The clear winner: Diane Von Furstengoal

Runners up:

We Must Protect This House of Style

Clinton Pret-a-Portis

Sacks and the City

Right Said Fred Taylor

Steve Madden NFL '10

LaCoste Us The Game

Victorious Secret

Illegal Clothesline

MoschinOchoCinco

Sacks 5^th Avenue

Straight Cashmere, Homey

Forever 21-0

First and Trend

Puttin on the fRitz Pollard

Nine West Coast Offense

Karl Lagerfieldgoal

Yves St. Laurendzone

Don SchuLa Perla

Fendi-fense!

Donatella Versacky

Helmet Lang

Christian LaCroixbar

Take An Armanknee

Steve McNairbrush

Van Unnecessary RoughNess

Brian WestBrooks Brothers

Buffalo David Bittonsides Kick

Betsy Johnsides Kick

Original Penguin One For the Gipper

Kenneth Coleline Stand

TJ Maxx Protect Punt Formation

The Limited Too-a-Days

Burlington Coates Factory

Baby Snap

Free Safety-pins

Neutrals Zone

Receiving the Two Snaps Up

Shirts and Pigskins

Rue LaDainian Tomlinson

Jarrard’s Pageboys

SmartbarGain of 5

Pittsburg Heelers

The Cover-alls

First Gowns

Watch out, Cupid stuck me with a sickness, pull your little arrows out and let me live my life

As it turns out, combining two terms into something new and funny is something that my friends, who are hilarious, enjoy doing and have done so for quite some time.

Take my friend, Erica, for example. Also, read her blog, which she updates just as frequently as I update mine.

Back in 2004, she and a coworker started making a list celebrity names mixed with medical ailments and the like.

The list had not been updated since that fateful day UNTIL she was inspired by my 80s bakery post and decided it was time to revisit the list. I feel like we’ve created a modern day set of celebrity-based Garbage Pail Kids and I could not be more proud. Also, the bar for things I am proud of is set very, very low. I woke up today! Hooray!

MUSICIANS

Malady Gaga

Katy Periodontitis

Jason Derulowflowpriapism

Gucci Manic Depressive

Ke$ha - It just sounds like a disease, and frankly, it looks like she might have something

Taylor Swift’s Disease

Brucellosis Springsteen

Diseasy E.

Culture Clubfoot

Croup Doggy Dogg

Biggie Smallpox

ChlamyDionne Warwick

Elton Jaundice

Garthritis Brooks

Robert Plantar's Wart

HalitOtis Redding

Cirrhosis Mixalot

ACTORS

Christina Hendricketts

Tinnitus Fey

Mariska HargiTay-Sachs

Rita Wilson's Disease

Amy BiPohler

Julia Louis-Dried Pus

John Hammertoe

Lupus Gossett Jr.

Lindsay Lohandfootandmouth disease

Rosacea O'Donnell

Paris Hiltonsilitis

Johnny Carcinoma

Scarlet Fever Johansson

Hepatitis B Arthur

GonorRhea Perlman

Sickle Cell AneMia Farrow

Bends Affleck (or Ben Afflicktion)

Molly Ringworm

Sharon Kidney Stone

Russell Crohn's Disease

Charles Bronchitisson (pushing it)

BANDS

Massive Attachycardia

Motley Croup

Kings of Leiomyomas

Paramorphea

Temper Trapidheartbeat

MononucleOasis

2 Live Flu

Anthrax

Bon Jovinile Diabetes

Great Whitehead